Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Panicking--what do?!

The other day, I had a panic-filled hour or two. It wasn't a traditional panic attack--with the sweating and the heart palpitations and the feeling like I'm going crazy or going to die--this was a much more mild panic. That lasted forever. Ugh.

So how did I pull through this? Well, I'm not quite an expert at this whole thing yet, but I do have some tricks.

  1. Realize that this is just a feeling. I'm not dying, I'm not in danger, I'm just overreacting to something (probably having been cooped up in the house for a couple weeks too long and not having much to show for it).
  2. Fat lot of good that did. What's next?
  3. Take long, slow, deep breaths.
  4. Oh crap, that didn't work. Now what?
  5. What do the experts say? Some say exercise...ugh, that sounds awful. Others say to distract yourself...okay...god this is uncomfortable...let's try to...I don't know...edit more of my book! That sounds like a good idea. 
  6. Oh god, this still isn't working. I can't even concentrate, I'm so panicked. And finally, the (somewhat terrible) solution to many problems (that surprisingly works):
  7. Take a nap.
Yeah, I took a nap. It took some time for my adrenaline to stop pumping, but there just is something about laying down in a really comfy bed with a fan blasting cool air in my face while petting my fluffy Pomeranian that calms me down from a 6 to a nap. 
I don't know why it works, and it really is only a temporary solution until I can finally master myself, but when I'm in a pinch, I take a nap. It's much better than, say, running around screaming until I throw myself into a full-fledged panic attack. I just wish I still had a prescription to Klonopin. Oh well.

Anyway, I hope you guys have a better week than I've been having.

~ML

Monday, August 4, 2014

Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem

This is a topic that I think is extremely important for every human being to understand. With that in mind, I am going to try to explain my views on it as best as I can.

So firstly, what are these things?
Self-Esteem is something most of us get pounded into our brains throughout school. It is how we feel about ourselves with high self-esteem meaning feeling good, and low self-esteem feeling bad. Then culture steps in (at least in my upbringing), and tells you that high self-esteem is a bad thing to have. That it means feeling cocky. What they should say is that inflated self-esteem is bad. 'Inflated' meaning way higher than it ever should be, like "I am a god" kind of self-esteem. When you start to base how you feel about yourself on how you rate other humans, you are heading in a bad direction. Any blow to an inflated self-esteem, and everything goes into disarray.

Self-worth is a concept that is usually skipped by most and those who take a shot at it make it sound like the biggest pile of Kumbaya hippie-shit ever. Because of not understanding self-worth I had a bit of an existential crisis, and because not too many even understood what I meant when asking about it, I felt a little crazy and completely alone.
Maybe because they just accepted the idea unconsciously and I didn't even understand it meant I had no worth? NOPE. But that was one of the many doubts I had about it.
Self-worth is the inherent worth you have as a human being. Note that I did not say the worth you express. Every person has the potential to do something great with their lives. It may take practice, learning a new trade, extra effort (for those with some disability), or even a complete 180 from their current life path (in the case of criminals or those who sit on the couch all day eating snacks), but EVERYONE has that potential.

Now for the hippie bullshit! I say this, but it is an interesting way to look at it in conjunction with a real definition. A self-esteem workbook I was given mentioned that most people don't question the right of existence of an animal or a plant, we just accept it. And therefore, we should just accept our own. The first part is really easy to agree with, I think. But as soon as we get to human beings, we start attaching meaning to our actions and our thoughts, and it makes sense to a degree: we are capable of much more good and "evil" than just a tree or a cat. They are inherently good, right? Well...yeah, I guess. But that doesn't mean that if we aren't another Mother Theresa or whatever that we deserve to die or don't deserve a good life. "Deserve" is a silly notion when it comes to the big picture, anyway. That's not something we should really trifle with (or its possible that I am treating that idea with the same kid gloves as everyone else treated "self-worth").

Want a shitty metaphor? Imagine, say, gold. Its actual, monetary worth is its "self-worth." How much it believes its worth is its "self-esteem" and then if you found it and sold it, that would be the expression of its worth. If you never found it and it sat at, say, the bottom of the ocean, would it still not have worth on the market? If you did find it, but thought it was a worthless chunk of rock, wouldn't it still be worth something on the market? Say you kept it as a paperweight (because you still thought it was worthless), and your imaginary geologist friend stopped by ten years later and told you that you had a huge cash cow sitting on top of some bills, didn't it still have that worth the whole time?

For a "human" example, think about good old Schindler (from Schindler's List). He was a total douche canoe by all accounts. He was a cheap, racist bastard and a grouchy one at that. If you only saw that part of his life, you wouldn't think much about his worth, right? Maybe he was a "productive" member of society, but not a very nice one. Then he changed for the better. He saved a bunch of Jewish people from the Nazis, that's pretty awesome, right? But until he did that, if he had questioned his worth as I had, he would have decided he shouldn't exist. And then how fucked would those Jews have been?
The important thing to see here is not that he was suddenly worth anything, but that he always was. It was because he had the potential to change, the potential to do something awesome, that he had inherent worth. But hindsight is 20/20, right? Not if you subscribe to the idea that everyone always has that potential. The hard part is thinking this way about people we hate. That Kony asshole, for example. Or Hitler, if you want to stay with that theme. They may do (or have done) terrible things, but while they are still alive, they still have the potential to do something amazing.

And so do you.

If you are reading my blog (which I don't think anyone but bots are at the moment), you are depressed, have been depressed before, or know someone in those first two conditions. Or you just think I'm awesome, whatever. But I know how it feels: everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, or just generally give a flying fuck about anything. And reading this may feel like I'm telling you to just stop being a total asshole and cure cancer already. I'm not. What I'm saying here, is that you have an inherent, inalienable right to be here, no matter how shitty you feel, or how little you feel you have accomplished. And it is not because you might one day jump out of bed and save little Timmy from a well. It is because you have the potential to even ACCIDENTALLY help someone. Did you know that World Wars I and II were really big catalysts to moving psychology into the realm of real science? Just saying. Shitty things happen. Shitty people exist. But it doesn't mean that it shouldn't have happened or that they should just off themselves. Because we cannot possibly know their potential--ever--unless it affects us directly. You may never know your own real potential/worth unless you are specifically told how you affected the world.

If you are anything like me, this may help clear some things up but not really make you feel better about life. This could, however, give you permission to do the things that make you feel better. Or even the extra oomph you may have needed to start practicing something that could help you express the worth you already have.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Check-In and Behavioral Activation

I'm a little late in posting this, but here it is! *dun-dundun-duuuuun*

Yeah, so my daily goals were not really reached this past week. I did, however, get the rest of the transcription done for my book (basically just typing up what had been hand-written by me a million years ago), so I was able to print that section and start editing. This is something that you already knew if you follow me on Twitter. You don't--not yet--but that's okay!

I have the same goals as before, including trying to find a place to volunteer, and another place to get a job. Other than that, I also want to squeeze in a little more drawing in my "art therapy journal" thing (technical terms, you see), just for the hell of it. It beats watching TV. Although that seems to be the only way my husband and I spend time on the weekdays because he's so exhausted after work, so it might just have to be drawing while watching TV, but I can handle that.

Mood-wise I've been pretty even-keel. A little guilt has sprouted up here and there, and I was depressed as shit for a little bit at the VA (who doesn't get that way there, though?), but nothing too out of the ordinary.

Also, just a comment on the Behavioral Activation thing I've been doing recently; it's been neat. While I haven't completely overhauled my schedule, it has made some genuine improvements since I've been writing down what I've actually done while keeping in mind what I need/want to do. I have been trying to schedule my days by the hour for months now, but never really got to the point of following said schedule. With the daily activity log, I am able to reevaluate how I spent my time, and how I could rearrange everything to fit the important stuff into my day. This is a lot smoother than just trying to shoehorn and guilt certain activities in; it's almost more natural feeling. "Okay, I wanted to take long walks with the dog everyday, but yesterday I decided to play video games because it was too damn hot and by the time I thought about it again, it was too late. So let's adjust the time I go out and maybe set an alarm," and then, gradually, it changes.
And it's so easy that I'm mad at myself for not having thought of it! Here's a quick, simplified guide for you.

  1. Think about what you value, what your goals are. 
  2. Think about little steps you could make every day to advance (move toward) those goals.
  3. Write 1 & 2 down, then plan out your week. Add in school/work/other obligations and then fill in just a few of those steps. Don't overwhelm yourself, obviously. Just one little thing will do. Have every day planned (not necessarily every hour, and remember to remain flexible as life constants shifts).
  4. Write down next to what you planned, what you actually did, how much you enjoyed it (1-10) and then how much you feel you achieved doing each of those things (1-10). This way, you can assess how those activities fit in with either your goals or even just relaxing/self-care. Because you don't have to always be doing something crazy-goal-oriented. 
  5. When (not if) you fuck up, forgive yourself. No one's perfect, you included. You are going to have a day where everything is planned, and you spend it (especially if you are depressed) lying in bed eating Cheetos. It happens. Shrug it off, and evaluate why you did it. If you were just too overwhelmed, cut back in your schedule. If you just wanted a day to eat Cheetos, fuck it. You did it. Now start back up tomorrow and don't worry too much about "making up" for today. 
What might also help is starting off by just recording what you do to get a realistic view of it all. One week, write down what you do hour by hour. At the end of the week, just take a look and use that as a jumping off point for the rest of your schedule. This way, you can be a little more subtle with adding activities and it feels even less forced.

All of this was done in collaboration with my current therapist, Dr. S. She's pretty fucking legit and very realistic, so I'm hoping I get to work with her long-term. *crosses fingers*

So anyway, enough about me; how has your week been?