Wednesday, July 4, 2018

What just happened?

I woke up the other day with a notification email saying that a comment was left on this blog. It was the strangest thing I have seen in awhile, and I live on the internet.

Things I wrote actually have been read (and commented on) by other people? 

Anyway, I had abandoned this blog quite some time ago, feeling like no one ever read it. Plus I went through more bouts of depression and illness, and after getting better again, I had completely forgotten this blog even existed.

I had considered ignoring the comment, even though it was positive and wonderful, and I was excited that I had affected someone at all. I have been thinking about it and seeing more and more comments come in and views being logged, I decided that a whole blog about illness and depression should probably not just end so abruptly. Just in case anyone got concerned.

So here I am, letting everyone know that I actually am okay.

I got a job and treatment for my Crohn's; I eventually stopped going to my therapist because I felt SO MUCH BETTER, then I got a little worse again (but that was mostly because my job was killing me and my soul very slowly).

I eventually got let go from there and I've gone through a couple of other treatments in the meantime. I was unemployed for a few months and then finally got a new job! I'm exercising and eating right and will eventually get back down to a healthy weight and maybe even able to kick some ass (baby steps).

I'm going back and forth on if I should continue this blog. I suppose maybe it just depends on if there's any call for it. Or maybe I'll read through these posts and re-inspire myself to continue. Who knows?

If I don't, don't worry about me. But if I do, you are always welcome here. (I mean, you'll be welcome here regardless, but I may not engage at all). I might even just link to my other blog from here if I decide not to, I don't know. We'll see.

Until then, take care of yourselves!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Remission is Weird, part 2, or: "Oh yeah..."

As I write this I realize this might have been written a little out of order; I should have written this post first. I was just so excited about it all that I dove in head-first. Oh well...

The other day, I was folding laundry and letting my mind wander. I was stuck on a pretty toxic line of thought: things I can't do because of energy levels. If you read the last post, then you know that this is a load of bullshit (I do still have Crohn's, but that is also in remission, minus my arthritis issues).

Well, I was mid-thought: "I just don't have the energy because of the Crohn's and depression...wait a second..." when I got the idea for these couple of articles. I'm not depressed anymore. I do have the energy to do things. I no longer have an excuse to not do chores or exercise, or even have fun (this makes sense to my depressed brothers and sisters out there). So what the fuck am I waiting for?

Things I excused myself from (whether legitimately or not): chores around the house, self-improvement, eating well, personal hygiene (gross, I know), wearing at least jeans instead of sweatpants in public, breaking habits, making friends, starting hobbies, and the list goes on.

So now, I have identified my (lack of a) problem. Now I need to completely retrain myself to stop thinking I'm depressed as a way to not try to flourish in life. I am finally in a position to live. And now is where it gets terrifying. Because this is where I have to exist outside my comfort zone. I should have started earlier, but hindsight's a bitch.

This is where this blog changes, as I go out into the wilds and report back my findings to the Depressed Continent. Hmm...that would have made a much better name for this blog.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Remission is weird, part 1 or: SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!

Being depressed, one is more likely to sleep long hours or while the day away passively. Binge-watching TV shows is a common "hobby" of the depressed, and I know that I tended to escape into Walter Mitty-esque fantasies to keep entertained.

Now that I'm in remission, however, I sleep like a normal person (a little less, I think). I have energy to spare and so sitting for hours at a time consuming movies and shows is not really a thing I want to do. Don't get me wrong--I can still get sucked into Top Gear for literally an entire week--but I also know that if I do this, I run the risk of becoming depressed again. The same goes for video games, too. For TV, I make sure I'm doing something at the same time (currently, that means crocheting), and for video games, I just limit them to when everyone else is asleep.

So then, what else is there to do? Try out different hobbies and pick up the ones I have during upswings, of course.

Hobbies I had before: writing and crafts. I'm still trying to get into the mindset of writing, but the internet has such a strong pull on me that it is difficult to concentrate. I have to stick with notebooks and stay away from rooms with monitors in them. Behaviorism is a bitch. For crafting, I sketch, use pastels, and generally make different things like decorations (I made the majority of stuff I hung up around Christmastime). The downside to all of this, is when I'm tapped out of ideas. I don't know what to do at that point. Plus crafting (even with my 30% discount at the store I work at) costs money.

I also like to go hiking when the weather is better, and maybe this year my husband and I will go camping...

New hobbies I have recently picked up: ...more crafting. I know, I know, it's not exactly new, but it is a completely different thing than I'm used to. I'm crocheting now, and I have just finished my first real project (a really, really long scarf). I'm also taking an Intro to Studio Art class this semester, so I'll be forced to keep up with different techniques and getting projects done. I have to maintain a blog for the class, but after the semester's over, I'll transfer all those pictures onto either this blog or to The Reachings (my writing blog that I will eventually start adding to again).

I'm also going to start reading again, starting with Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. The plan is that I'll start to compile a list of books I actually want to read, and then just keep pulling from that as I go.

My point in all this, is that depression takes your whole goddamned life away from you. You have no energy, and you get this overwhelming sense that there is just no time to do anything, no point to learning things, and in the overall scheme of things, who gives a fuck?

But I do. Especially now. Now that I have control of my life again, control of my time and energy and happiness again, I'm going to grab life by the balls and do what I can to fill up my time with things I think are worthwhile.

Part 2 is going to be about how my mindset didn't change right away, and just how...jarring...that can be.