Weird and Wonderful News

My last psychology appointment was on Tuesday the 6th, and I was told something I had never heard before: I was at a good enough place, mentally, that we could forego making another appointment until I felt I needed another.

This is, obviously, good news. But it's strange all the same. Those of you who are depressed or have been depressed will totally understand this line of reasoning: it is very hard to admit that you are getting better.

So many people (well-intentioned or not) will be quick to point out that depression is just a "phase" or just a fleeting "bad mood" that will pass just as quickly as it came. We have to fight to be taken seriously, so it is hard to show others when we have our occasional good day. A good day is very often taken as fodder for why depression really isn't a "thing" and so we should just snap out of it because we "totally did it the other day."

None of us want to be depressed, but partaking in Behavioral Activation can be misconstrued as "bucking up." The very methods for getting better are loaded situations, and this makes for an even harder recovery. It's bad enough trying to recover with someone who understands it having your back!

So to be in a situation where I have been free to try out different methods, to get better, to celebrate the good days instead of hiding them...I have finally gotten to a good place. My wonderful, fucking amazing husband has supported me and I have had an awesome, knowledgeable doctor, too, so I am indeed extremely lucky.

To those of you who are struggling to get better, know that it is possible. Know that it may take years, and so much trial and error that it all feels like a mistake, and there will be pain and hardship and idiots that stand in your way, but it is worth it, and you are worth it. Trust me, if no one else, okay?

I started this blog long into years of therapy and drugs and research and I don't want to misrepresent what a recovery looks like. Hell, that road looks different for every person anyway. And there is something else to remember, too: I can't stop here. There is a lifetime of monitoring ahead, and when (not if) that fails, the inevitable battle to get back to where I am today. I'm also still not 100%, either, I'm just good enough right now that I don't need a therapist holding my hand.

I have taken these things into consideration and, though it wasn't required, I went ahead and made an appointment for a month from the last one, just in case. I know myself enough to know that I might slip between here and then and may need some encouragement (beyond my husband's capabilities), and if there is no appointment scheduled, I'll just put it off. And put it off. Until I'm back again, hiding under a blanket, locked in my closet, wishing I were dead.

I don't want to get to that point again. But I could. Knowing that about myself is the most important step, tied with admitting that I may be on that path again. And really, that's what mental health is all about: learning enough about yourself that you can take every step possible to make sure you stay okay or are working to get there. Even those who have never had problems need to keep tabs on their stress levels.

So everyone who is reading this right now, do yourself a favor: pay attention to how you feel. What your moods are telling you, what your body is telling you, what your friends are telling you...it could literally save your life. Or at least save you a hell of a lot of money and misery!

What's been going on lately...

So I have been handling my realization that I'll never get a degree a little harder than I originally thought. I was surprised at my ability to handle it, but it turns out I was just suppressing my feelings about it.

I am disappointed in myself and angry at the system. I feel like psychological community is missing out on someone who could have helped out a lot, and this makes me sad. And then, of course, the inevitable embarrassment at not being able to function like a normal human being...

Needless to say, it's hitting kinda hard.

I had tried to use the military as my "one last chance to not be a failure," and then once I got medically retired and emotionally worked through that train wreck, just jumped headlong into this one...I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself now. I had plans of writing and just working where I can for now--which I'm still planning on--but it just feels so...hollow. Pointless. It isn't, but my emotional state at the moment is making it seem that way.

So today's lesson, I guess, is that just because something seems hopeless or worthless or even good and worthwhile, doesn't mean it is--it just means that that's how we are viewing it at the given moment. Everything is in flux. This line of thinking can be humbling or uplifting, depending on how we see ourselves at the moment, knowing that--given some time--it'll change, but either way it's okay because this just means we're human. That we are alive. Things that don't change, that remain in stagnation, wither and die. So even thought that's kinda what I want to do right now I know that I'll feel differently soon because I'm still alive.

It's easy to forget how you felt when you were depressed while in remission, or the other way around, but it's important that you don't. While your head is above the waters of despair you can gather information and insight to cling to once the current inevitably pulls you back under, and that insight can help sustain you. The more you practice, the better you'll get, and maybe--just maybe--you'll break free of the cycle.

I'm mainly just rambling now and I need to get ready for work, so I'll just stop here.
Stay well, guys.

Friday Check-In!

Hey everyone!

So I haven't done this sort of thing in a while, but here we are again. I have actually been through a lot, recently--not anything bad necessarily, just a lot.

Firstly, I have a new job (as I've said already). I work at a craft store, selling fake flowers to old ladies and yarn to hipsters. It's going pretty darn well: they keep their side of the Americans with Disabilities Act by allowing me to sit on a stool at the register and take breaks when I need it when I'm working the floor (there's not much else for them to do with me, really). So there's that. But then there's something else.

I think I may not finish my degree.

Just a few months ago, and I would be so ashamed of myself, saying that I'm worthless and useless and I'd never be able to amount to anything or help anybody unless I straight up got my doctorate. I do feel silly; I've been pretty proud of myself for planning on making to so long in the college game. But that's all it was: planning. I tried to take credit for something that never really happened. *cringe*

So what will I do instead, you ask? I don't have a f*cking clue (as I also have already said). But I really think I might get a kick out of trying to do this blog for realsies. This means that I'd have to write much more consistently and actually try to get readers instead of this, "I want but don't want people to read my stuff 'cuz I'm a silly little girl," crap. Either way, this could really only mean good things to come for this blog as I'll have to up the quality and actually think about what I'm posting before I do so.

Also, I have another blog that I started awhile ago called The Reachings, that is a lot more creative writing-based that I will be starting back up on. This one might actually become my job one day, so if you care at all, check it out! Right now it's a lot of old stuff, but soon after posting this, I'll be putting up some other writings and posting my plans for it there.

My goals for this next week, then:
1. Come up with "real" posts for this blog. Maybe about a month's worth.
2. Write and edit those posts (at least 2 weeks' worth).
3. Don't panic!
4. Figure out how I'm going to get through two more semesters of school while also knowing that none of it actually makes a bit of difference.

Wish me luck on these things. Maybe I can actually help people without a degree...

Check-In and Behavioral Activation

I'm a little late in posting this, but here it is! *dun-dundun-duuuuun*

Yeah, so my daily goals were not really reached this past week. I did, however, get the rest of the transcription done for my book (basically just typing up what had been hand-written by me a million years ago), so I was able to print that section and start editing. This is something that you already knew if you follow me on Twitter. You don't--not yet--but that's okay!

I have the same goals as before, including trying to find a place to volunteer, and another place to get a job. Other than that, I also want to squeeze in a little more drawing in my "art therapy journal" thing (technical terms, you see), just for the hell of it. It beats watching TV. Although that seems to be the only way my husband and I spend time on the weekdays because he's so exhausted after work, so it might just have to be drawing while watching TV, but I can handle that.

Mood-wise I've been pretty even-keel. A little guilt has sprouted up here and there, and I was depressed as shit for a little bit at the VA (who doesn't get that way there, though?), but nothing too out of the ordinary.

Also, just a comment on the Behavioral Activation thing I've been doing recently; it's been neat. While I haven't completely overhauled my schedule, it has made some genuine improvements since I've been writing down what I've actually done while keeping in mind what I need/want to do. I have been trying to schedule my days by the hour for months now, but never really got to the point of following said schedule. With the daily activity log, I am able to reevaluate how I spent my time, and how I could rearrange everything to fit the important stuff into my day. This is a lot smoother than just trying to shoehorn and guilt certain activities in; it's almost more natural feeling. "Okay, I wanted to take long walks with the dog everyday, but yesterday I decided to play video games because it was too damn hot and by the time I thought about it again, it was too late. So let's adjust the time I go out and maybe set an alarm," and then, gradually, it changes.
And it's so easy that I'm mad at myself for not having thought of it! Here's a quick, simplified guide for you.

1. Think about what you value, what your goals are. 
2. Think about little steps you could make every day to advance (move toward) those goals.
3. Write 1 & 2 down, then plan out your week. Add in school/work/other obligations and then fill in just a few of those steps. Don't overwhelm yourself, obviously. Just one little thing will do. Have every day planned (not necessarily every hour, and remember to remain flexible as life constants shifts).
4. Write down next to what you planned, what you actually did, how much you enjoyed it (1-10) and then how much you feel you achieved doing each of those things (1-10). This way, you can assess how those activities fit in with either your goals or even just relaxing/self-care. Because you don't have to always be doing something crazy-goal-oriented. 
5. When (not if) you fuck up, forgive yourself. No one's perfect, you included. You are going to have a day where everything is planned, and you spend it (especially if you are depressed) lying in bed eating Cheetos. It happens. Shrug it off, and evaluate why you did it. If you were just too overwhelmed, cut back in your schedule. If you just wanted a day to eat Cheetos, fuck it. You did it. Now start back up tomorrow and don't worry too much about "making up" for today. 

What might also help is starting off by just recording what you do to get a realistic view of it all. One week, write down what you do hour by hour. At the end of the week, just take a look and use that as a jumping off point for the rest of your schedule. This way, you can be a little more subtle with adding activities and it feels even less forced.

All of this was done in collaboration with my current therapist, Dr. S. She's pretty fucking legit and very realistic, so I'm hoping I get to work with her long-term. *crosses fingers*

So anyway, enough about me; how has your week been?

Friday Check-In

Alright, so how do I do one of these? I guess however I feel like, huh? Don't worry, I'll get better at this one day...

This week was my second week of doing a Behavioral Activation time sheet. Week 1 is just putting down what you did everyday, and Week 2 is all about having a couple goals for yourself: having certain activities that will make you feel like you accomplished something, activities that you just really enjoy, and others that get you out of the house/socializing.

My goals this week have been journaling, writing, and taking my dog on long walks everyday. I had a trip to the grocery store and a trip to a great little coffee shop to get me out of the house, each instance planned for just one time at some point during the week. I also had a couple papers to write (big, final papers for my two summer courses at college). All of this seemed like it was going to take a lot out of me, but I started off excited, nonetheless.

The papers did NOT go well. I did, however, journal everyday (except yesterday, I'll get into that). Writing entails the revision, etc. of a novel I started in 2009. I'm on the third-ish draft right now, and haven't really been doing as much as I would like, this week included.

Blogging was a goal that I kinda made myself, since I just randomly decided to do in this new direction. I have to keep reminding myself that it won't be perfect, and (especially since I don't have an audience right now) doesn't have to be. This reminder should also help out my writing and schoolwork...perfection is something I really need to let go of.
Anyway, blogging--as you can see--went pretty well for this week.

Dog walking has been a little iffy, since it's been hotter than Hades's Ballsack. But what walks we have been on, she's loved--we have a lot more squirrels and such for her to want to murder.

I actually went out quite a bit. My husband has been rather supportive, and he tends to either drag me along for errands or send me out to get stuff. It also helped that I had to go to class (and I can't cook), so I was also motivated by hunger.

Socializing is a lot easier now, too, as I have two extra people living in my house.

So how has Behavioral Activation worked so far? ...Meh. But it's only been one week of adjustment. Like I said, I started off pretty excited (like usual) and really tried hard to get everything done. This excitement and hope gave me a lot of energy, but soon it wore off and I started to slack off on different things. After the paper fiasco, I really kinda just stopped caring again.

But that's where therapy comes in handy: talking through my issues with perfectionism helped me articulate my reasons behind why I put so much pressure on myself, which in turn helps the outside party (aka, Dr. S.) help me find a way to satisfy the needs that aren't being met.

SO
My goals for next week are the same, minus the papers, and adding on a) finding a job (that's not a part of the therapy, I just need monies), and b) finding a place to volunteer. Baby steps, guys, baby steps.

How's your week been? Any goals completed or new ones for the next week? I'd love to hear it, and even if you don't post them, I wish you luck on new ones, congratulate you on benchmarks reached, and know that ones on which you fell short, you will get eventually--just don't give up!

~ML

On Monday, I'll talk about my beautifully dumb string of terrible therapists as even more testament to not giving up, provide entertainment to those who don't need therapy, and hopefully make a nice connection with those who have had similar experiences.