Weird and Wonderful News

My last psychology appointment was on Tuesday the 6th, and I was told something I had never heard before: I was at a good enough place, mentally, that we could forego making another appointment until I felt I needed another.

This is, obviously, good news. But it's strange all the same. Those of you who are depressed or have been depressed will totally understand this line of reasoning: it is very hard to admit that you are getting better.

So many people (well-intentioned or not) will be quick to point out that depression is just a "phase" or just a fleeting "bad mood" that will pass just as quickly as it came. We have to fight to be taken seriously, so it is hard to show others when we have our occasional good day. A good day is very often taken as fodder for why depression really isn't a "thing" and so we should just snap out of it because we "totally did it the other day."

None of us want to be depressed, but partaking in Behavioral Activation can be misconstrued as "bucking up." The very methods for getting better are loaded situations, and this makes for an even harder recovery. It's bad enough trying to recover with someone who understands it having your back!

So to be in a situation where I have been free to try out different methods, to get better, to celebrate the good days instead of hiding them...I have finally gotten to a good place. My wonderful, fucking amazing husband has supported me and I have had an awesome, knowledgeable doctor, too, so I am indeed extremely lucky.

To those of you who are struggling to get better, know that it is possible. Know that it may take years, and so much trial and error that it all feels like a mistake, and there will be pain and hardship and idiots that stand in your way, but it is worth it, and you are worth it. Trust me, if no one else, okay?

I started this blog long into years of therapy and drugs and research and I don't want to misrepresent what a recovery looks like. Hell, that road looks different for every person anyway. And there is something else to remember, too: I can't stop here. There is a lifetime of monitoring ahead, and when (not if) that fails, the inevitable battle to get back to where I am today. I'm also still not 100%, either, I'm just good enough right now that I don't need a therapist holding my hand.

I have taken these things into consideration and, though it wasn't required, I went ahead and made an appointment for a month from the last one, just in case. I know myself enough to know that I might slip between here and then and may need some encouragement (beyond my husband's capabilities), and if there is no appointment scheduled, I'll just put it off. And put it off. Until I'm back again, hiding under a blanket, locked in my closet, wishing I were dead.

I don't want to get to that point again. But I could. Knowing that about myself is the most important step, tied with admitting that I may be on that path again. And really, that's what mental health is all about: learning enough about yourself that you can take every step possible to make sure you stay okay or are working to get there. Even those who have never had problems need to keep tabs on their stress levels.

So everyone who is reading this right now, do yourself a favor: pay attention to how you feel. What your moods are telling you, what your body is telling you, what your friends are telling you...it could literally save your life. Or at least save you a hell of a lot of money and misery!

The Project

So a while back, Dr. S looked at my activity log and mentioned that journaling is one of my "values." I kinda did a little mental twinge, but just tucked it away for later. The question lingered, though: how the fuck is "journaling" a value?

Eventually I revisited that--y'know, shower thoughts and all that--and came to the conclusion that journaling isn't a value; it is an action that expresses a value. So what is that value? I came up with a few: introspection, reflection, emotional processing, expression, and self understanding. After that I thought about what other activities express might express values that I don't even pay attention to. Yeah, that's a bit of a mouthful.

Anyway.

That's where I got the idea for The Project. Maybe there are other aspects of my life I could examine and learn from. It's a little psychoanalytical, but either way, here's the general idea:

I'm going to take every aspect of my life and dissect it. I'm not trying to find anything wrong or second-guess my every move from birth or anything, just identify patterns and associations. I'll write lists, essays, draw pie charts--however best to present my data--and then analyze the shit out of it. Like I said, psychoanalytical.

Some ideas for topics include relationships with other people--good, bad, indifferent--and how/why they got that way. The list of activities I already mentioned was the first entry. Also I've got habit, pet peeves, prejudices, thing that disgust me, defense mechanisms, hopes, dreams, and common/repeated problems. There are many other things I can/will evaluate, but this is more than enough to get me started. This is also on top of my novel, my creative writing blog, and this blog too, so it may take awhile, but in the end it'll be worth it.

Plato had written, "Know thyself." It was an admonishment of cocky young fucks, and I know this project of mine may sting--it will certainly bring up some harsh memories if I manage to stay honest with myself.

Maybe I'll post some bits from this Project, but I can't guarantee that. I will, however, post some of the topics I use with explanations of just what the hell I'm talking about. I really encourage all of you who feel fairly stable to take a shot. Those of you still trudging through the tar might want to stick to more "life-affirming" topics. In fact, I think that's what Wednesday will be about.

~Stay warm, kiddies (unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere--you guys stay cool)!