Hey everyone! (or at least the one other person who reads this blog)
How have things been? Have you made any resolutions?
Personally, I have vowed to make this an awesome year--depression be damned, Crohn's be damned...I'm hopefully going to do things right this year. I know there is a HUGE chance this is just a silly little energy boost with another new beginning that will wane in just a few more days, so if I fail, I won't be too terribly shocked. But I do have a little bit of hope I'm drumming up for myself.
Ah, who am I kidding?? This year is going to suck just as much as the last one, and the two or so decades before that...but what I CAN do--what even YOU can do--is make sure this bout of hope and energy is put to good use, not toward worrying about what's around the corner, or how everything is going to catch up and you/I'll start feeling like absolute shit again. We know our pattern, so let's use it to our advantage, eh guys?
So what are your 2015 resolutions? What plan do you have in place for once your soul gets sucked out again? What's your contingency plan for in case this doesn't actually happen and you are back to being a normal human being again? TRICK QUESTION--there's no such thing. So far as I can tell, there's no such thing as normal, healthy, happy human beings. We all have something wrong with us whether mental or physical or both, it's just how we present ourselves to the world that makes the difference. It's how we put this knowledge or ourselves and others to use that makes us successful or "surviving," and slowly I'm starting to realize that each of us is actually capable of the whole "success" thing, so long as we are completely willing to change from the bottom of our souls, no matter how painful looking into those depths may be.
So hold out hope for yourself, you beautiful son of a bitch, because I have hope for you, and I'm kind of a cynical little douche.
~ML
Showing posts with label self-worth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-worth. Show all posts
Friday, January 2, 2015
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
What's been going on lately...
So I have been handling my realization that I'll never get a degree a little harder than I originally thought. I was surprised at my ability to handle it, but it turns out I was just suppressing my feelings about it.
I am disappointed in myself and angry at the system. I feel like psychological community is missing out on someone who could have helped out a lot, and this makes me sad. And then, of course, the inevitable embarrassment at not being able to function like a normal human being...
Needless to say, it's hitting kinda hard.
I had tried to use the military as my "one last chance to not be a failure," and then once I got medically retired and emotionally worked through that train wreck, just jumped headlong into this one...I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself now. I had plans of writing and just working where I can for now--which I'm still planning on--but it just feels so...hollow. Pointless. It isn't, but my emotional state at the moment is making it seem that way.
So today's lesson, I guess, is that just because something seems hopeless or worthless or even good and worthwhile, doesn't mean it is--it just means that that's how we are viewing it at the given moment. Everything is in flux. This line of thinking can be humbling or uplifting, depending on how we see ourselves at the moment, knowing that--given some time--it'll change, but either way it's okay because this just means we're human. That we are alive. Things that don't change, that remain in stagnation, wither and die. So even thought that's kinda what I want to do right now I know that I'll feel differently soon because I'm still alive.
It's easy to forget how you felt when you were depressed while in remission, or the other way around, but it's important that you don't. While your head is above the waters of despair you can gather information and insight to cling to once the current inevitably pulls you back under, and that insight can help sustain you. The more you practice, the better you'll get, and maybe--just maybe--you'll break free of the cycle.
I'm mainly just rambling now and I need to get ready for work, so I'll just stop here.
Stay well, guys.
I am disappointed in myself and angry at the system. I feel like psychological community is missing out on someone who could have helped out a lot, and this makes me sad. And then, of course, the inevitable embarrassment at not being able to function like a normal human being...
Needless to say, it's hitting kinda hard.
I had tried to use the military as my "one last chance to not be a failure," and then once I got medically retired and emotionally worked through that train wreck, just jumped headlong into this one...I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself now. I had plans of writing and just working where I can for now--which I'm still planning on--but it just feels so...hollow. Pointless. It isn't, but my emotional state at the moment is making it seem that way.
So today's lesson, I guess, is that just because something seems hopeless or worthless or even good and worthwhile, doesn't mean it is--it just means that that's how we are viewing it at the given moment. Everything is in flux. This line of thinking can be humbling or uplifting, depending on how we see ourselves at the moment, knowing that--given some time--it'll change, but either way it's okay because this just means we're human. That we are alive. Things that don't change, that remain in stagnation, wither and die. So even thought that's kinda what I want to do right now I know that I'll feel differently soon because I'm still alive.
It's easy to forget how you felt when you were depressed while in remission, or the other way around, but it's important that you don't. While your head is above the waters of despair you can gather information and insight to cling to once the current inevitably pulls you back under, and that insight can help sustain you. The more you practice, the better you'll get, and maybe--just maybe--you'll break free of the cycle.
I'm mainly just rambling now and I need to get ready for work, so I'll just stop here.
Stay well, guys.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem
This is a topic that I think is extremely important for every human being to understand. With that in mind, I am going to try to explain my views on it as best as I can.
So firstly, what are these things?
Self-Esteem is something most of us get pounded into our brains throughout school. It is how we feel about ourselves with high self-esteem meaning feeling good, and low self-esteem feeling bad. Then culture steps in (at least in my upbringing), and tells you that high self-esteem is a bad thing to have. That it means feeling cocky. What they should say is that inflated self-esteem is bad. 'Inflated' meaning way higher than it ever should be, like "I am a god" kind of self-esteem. When you start to base how you feel about yourself on how you rate other humans, you are heading in a bad direction. Any blow to an inflated self-esteem, and everything goes into disarray.
Self-worth is a concept that is usually skipped by most and those who take a shot at it make it sound like the biggest pile of Kumbaya hippie-shit ever. Because of not understanding self-worth I had a bit of an existential crisis, and because not too many even understood what I meant when asking about it, I felt a little crazy and completely alone.
Maybe because they just accepted the idea unconsciously and I didn't even understand it meant I had no worth? NOPE. But that was one of the many doubts I had about it.
Self-worth is the inherent worth you have as a human being. Note that I did not say the worth you express. Every person has the potential to do something great with their lives. It may take practice, learning a new trade, extra effort (for those with some disability), or even a complete 180 from their current life path (in the case of criminals or those who sit on the couch all day eating snacks), but EVERYONE has that potential.
Now for the hippie bullshit! I say this, but it is an interesting way to look at it in conjunction with a real definition. A self-esteem workbook I was given mentioned that most people don't question the right of existence of an animal or a plant, we just accept it. And therefore, we should just accept our own. The first part is really easy to agree with, I think. But as soon as we get to human beings, we start attaching meaning to our actions and our thoughts, and it makes sense to a degree: we are capable of much more good and "evil" than just a tree or a cat. They are inherently good, right? Well...yeah, I guess. But that doesn't mean that if we aren't another Mother Theresa or whatever that we deserve to die or don't deserve a good life. "Deserve" is a silly notion when it comes to the big picture, anyway. That's not something we should really trifle with (or its possible that I am treating that idea with the same kid gloves as everyone else treated "self-worth").
Want a shitty metaphor? Imagine, say, gold. Its actual, monetary worth is its "self-worth." How much it believes its worth is its "self-esteem" and then if you found it and sold it, that would be the expression of its worth. If you never found it and it sat at, say, the bottom of the ocean, would it still not have worth on the market? If you did find it, but thought it was a worthless chunk of rock, wouldn't it still be worth something on the market? Say you kept it as a paperweight (because you still thought it was worthless), and your imaginary geologist friend stopped by ten years later and told you that you had a huge cash cow sitting on top of some bills, didn't it still have that worth the whole time?
For a "human" example, think about good old Schindler (from Schindler's List). He was a total douche canoe by all accounts. He was a cheap, racist bastard and a grouchy one at that. If you only saw that part of his life, you wouldn't think much about his worth, right? Maybe he was a "productive" member of society, but not a very nice one. Then he changed for the better. He saved a bunch of Jewish people from the Nazis, that's pretty awesome, right? But until he did that, if he had questioned his worth as I had, he would have decided he shouldn't exist. And then how fucked would those Jews have been?
The important thing to see here is not that he was suddenly worth anything, but that he always was. It was because he had the potential to change, the potential to do something awesome, that he had inherent worth. But hindsight is 20/20, right? Not if you subscribe to the idea that everyone always has that potential. The hard part is thinking this way about people we hate. That Kony asshole, for example. Or Hitler, if you want to stay with that theme. They may do (or have done) terrible things, but while they are still alive, they still have the potential to do something amazing.
And so do you.
If you are reading my blog (which I don't think anyone but bots are at the moment), you are depressed, have been depressed before, or know someone in those first two conditions. Or you just think I'm awesome, whatever. But I know how it feels: everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, or just generally give a flying fuck about anything. And reading this may feel like I'm telling you to just stop being a total asshole and cure cancer already. I'm not. What I'm saying here, is that you have an inherent, inalienable right to be here, no matter how shitty you feel, or how little you feel you have accomplished. And it is not because you might one day jump out of bed and save little Timmy from a well. It is because you have the potential to even ACCIDENTALLY help someone. Did you know that World Wars I and II were really big catalysts to moving psychology into the realm of real science? Just saying. Shitty things happen. Shitty people exist. But it doesn't mean that it shouldn't have happened or that they should just off themselves. Because we cannot possibly know their potential--ever--unless it affects us directly. You may never know your own real potential/worth unless you are specifically told how you affected the world.
If you are anything like me, this may help clear some things up but not really make you feel better about life. This could, however, give you permission to do the things that make you feel better. Or even the extra oomph you may have needed to start practicing something that could help you express the worth you already have.
So firstly, what are these things?
Self-Esteem is something most of us get pounded into our brains throughout school. It is how we feel about ourselves with high self-esteem meaning feeling good, and low self-esteem feeling bad. Then culture steps in (at least in my upbringing), and tells you that high self-esteem is a bad thing to have. That it means feeling cocky. What they should say is that inflated self-esteem is bad. 'Inflated' meaning way higher than it ever should be, like "I am a god" kind of self-esteem. When you start to base how you feel about yourself on how you rate other humans, you are heading in a bad direction. Any blow to an inflated self-esteem, and everything goes into disarray.
Self-worth is a concept that is usually skipped by most and those who take a shot at it make it sound like the biggest pile of Kumbaya hippie-shit ever. Because of not understanding self-worth I had a bit of an existential crisis, and because not too many even understood what I meant when asking about it, I felt a little crazy and completely alone.
Maybe because they just accepted the idea unconsciously and I didn't even understand it meant I had no worth? NOPE. But that was one of the many doubts I had about it.
Self-worth is the inherent worth you have as a human being. Note that I did not say the worth you express. Every person has the potential to do something great with their lives. It may take practice, learning a new trade, extra effort (for those with some disability), or even a complete 180 from their current life path (in the case of criminals or those who sit on the couch all day eating snacks), but EVERYONE has that potential.
Now for the hippie bullshit! I say this, but it is an interesting way to look at it in conjunction with a real definition. A self-esteem workbook I was given mentioned that most people don't question the right of existence of an animal or a plant, we just accept it. And therefore, we should just accept our own. The first part is really easy to agree with, I think. But as soon as we get to human beings, we start attaching meaning to our actions and our thoughts, and it makes sense to a degree: we are capable of much more good and "evil" than just a tree or a cat. They are inherently good, right? Well...yeah, I guess. But that doesn't mean that if we aren't another Mother Theresa or whatever that we deserve to die or don't deserve a good life. "Deserve" is a silly notion when it comes to the big picture, anyway. That's not something we should really trifle with (or its possible that I am treating that idea with the same kid gloves as everyone else treated "self-worth").
Want a shitty metaphor? Imagine, say, gold. Its actual, monetary worth is its "self-worth." How much it believes its worth is its "self-esteem" and then if you found it and sold it, that would be the expression of its worth. If you never found it and it sat at, say, the bottom of the ocean, would it still not have worth on the market? If you did find it, but thought it was a worthless chunk of rock, wouldn't it still be worth something on the market? Say you kept it as a paperweight (because you still thought it was worthless), and your imaginary geologist friend stopped by ten years later and told you that you had a huge cash cow sitting on top of some bills, didn't it still have that worth the whole time?
For a "human" example, think about good old Schindler (from Schindler's List). He was a total douche canoe by all accounts. He was a cheap, racist bastard and a grouchy one at that. If you only saw that part of his life, you wouldn't think much about his worth, right? Maybe he was a "productive" member of society, but not a very nice one. Then he changed for the better. He saved a bunch of Jewish people from the Nazis, that's pretty awesome, right? But until he did that, if he had questioned his worth as I had, he would have decided he shouldn't exist. And then how fucked would those Jews have been?
The important thing to see here is not that he was suddenly worth anything, but that he always was. It was because he had the potential to change, the potential to do something awesome, that he had inherent worth. But hindsight is 20/20, right? Not if you subscribe to the idea that everyone always has that potential. The hard part is thinking this way about people we hate. That Kony asshole, for example. Or Hitler, if you want to stay with that theme. They may do (or have done) terrible things, but while they are still alive, they still have the potential to do something amazing.
And so do you.
If you are reading my blog (which I don't think anyone but bots are at the moment), you are depressed, have been depressed before, or know someone in those first two conditions. Or you just think I'm awesome, whatever. But I know how it feels: everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, or just generally give a flying fuck about anything. And reading this may feel like I'm telling you to just stop being a total asshole and cure cancer already. I'm not. What I'm saying here, is that you have an inherent, inalienable right to be here, no matter how shitty you feel, or how little you feel you have accomplished. And it is not because you might one day jump out of bed and save little Timmy from a well. It is because you have the potential to even ACCIDENTALLY help someone. Did you know that World Wars I and II were really big catalysts to moving psychology into the realm of real science? Just saying. Shitty things happen. Shitty people exist. But it doesn't mean that it shouldn't have happened or that they should just off themselves. Because we cannot possibly know their potential--ever--unless it affects us directly. You may never know your own real potential/worth unless you are specifically told how you affected the world.
If you are anything like me, this may help clear some things up but not really make you feel better about life. This could, however, give you permission to do the things that make you feel better. Or even the extra oomph you may have needed to start practicing something that could help you express the worth you already have.
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