Happy New Year!

Hey everyone! (or at least the one other person who reads this blog)

How have things been? Have you made any resolutions?

Personally, I have vowed to make this an awesome year--depression be damned, Crohn's be damned...I'm hopefully going to do things right this year. I know there is a HUGE chance this is just a silly little energy boost with another new beginning that will wane in just a few more days, so if I fail, I won't be too terribly shocked. But I do have a little bit of hope I'm drumming up for myself.

Ah, who am I kidding?? This year is going to suck just as much as the last one, and the two or so decades before that...but what I CAN do--what even YOU can do--is make sure this bout of hope and energy is put to good use, not toward worrying about what's around the corner, or how everything is going to catch up and you/I'll start feeling like absolute shit again. We know our pattern, so let's use it to our advantage, eh guys?

So what are your 2015 resolutions? What plan do you have in place for once your soul gets sucked out again? What's your contingency plan for in case this doesn't actually happen and you are back to being a normal human being again? TRICK QUESTION--there's no such thing. So far as I can tell, there's no such thing as normal, healthy, happy human beings. We all have something wrong with us whether mental or physical or both, it's just how we present ourselves to the world that makes the difference. It's how we put this knowledge or ourselves and others to use that makes us successful or "surviving," and slowly I'm starting to realize that each of us is actually capable of the whole "success" thing, so long as we are completely willing to change from the bottom of our souls, no matter how painful looking into those depths may be.

So hold out hope for yourself, you beautiful son of a bitch, because I have hope for you, and I'm kind of a cynical little douche.

~ML

What's been going on lately...

So I have been handling my realization that I'll never get a degree a little harder than I originally thought. I was surprised at my ability to handle it, but it turns out I was just suppressing my feelings about it.

I am disappointed in myself and angry at the system. I feel like psychological community is missing out on someone who could have helped out a lot, and this makes me sad. And then, of course, the inevitable embarrassment at not being able to function like a normal human being...

Needless to say, it's hitting kinda hard.

I had tried to use the military as my "one last chance to not be a failure," and then once I got medically retired and emotionally worked through that train wreck, just jumped headlong into this one...I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself now. I had plans of writing and just working where I can for now--which I'm still planning on--but it just feels so...hollow. Pointless. It isn't, but my emotional state at the moment is making it seem that way.

So today's lesson, I guess, is that just because something seems hopeless or worthless or even good and worthwhile, doesn't mean it is--it just means that that's how we are viewing it at the given moment. Everything is in flux. This line of thinking can be humbling or uplifting, depending on how we see ourselves at the moment, knowing that--given some time--it'll change, but either way it's okay because this just means we're human. That we are alive. Things that don't change, that remain in stagnation, wither and die. So even thought that's kinda what I want to do right now I know that I'll feel differently soon because I'm still alive.

It's easy to forget how you felt when you were depressed while in remission, or the other way around, but it's important that you don't. While your head is above the waters of despair you can gather information and insight to cling to once the current inevitably pulls you back under, and that insight can help sustain you. The more you practice, the better you'll get, and maybe--just maybe--you'll break free of the cycle.

I'm mainly just rambling now and I need to get ready for work, so I'll just stop here.
Stay well, guys.

At the Moment

Right now I am on the final lap through this semester, one that I am fairly certain I'm going to fail miserably...so for right now, this blog might hit a bit of a standstill. I am still alive and doing somewhat okay, but busy being either, well, busy, or depressed/sick. I hope to be able to make a more "real" post later on today. This may or may not actually happen. I don't know.

But until then, know that I will definitely return soon!

Trudging Through Tar

Hey. Today, I'm supposed to be writing about journaling and the different ways to get started. But right now I'm about ready to just curl up in my bed and ride out a shitty bout of self-hatred. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be over this by now, right? Wrong. I'm pretty much stuck with this stupid disease for the rest of my life (probably), and right now I'm pretty fucking sick of it.

I'm tired of the struggle, of the pain, of the upswings where I look around and realize that everything I've felt so sad about is silly, and then the anxiety behind the knowledge that I'm going to slip face-first into the tar pit of despair again when I least expect it (like today), and then the aforementioned slip itself. Right now I just want to give up. To go to sleep and not wake up...

But I can't. I know that on a long-term sort of scale, I'll get better--even if only for about a day or two--and then I'll do something that makes this stupid life worth it; be it a blog post, a helpful comment on reddit, or even just holding the door open for someone who really needed a little bit of kindness that day. Because, you see, no one lives in a vacuum. No matter how much you try to isolate yourself, someone is affected by what you do for better or worse. Little actions lead to big results that, honestly, you may never see, but they are there. You matter. I matter. As much as I wish I didn't...

So trudge on I shall. Although, right now I'm just going to lay down with the covers over my head until I can stop crying long enough to distract myself (probably with video games). I'm not going to lie, depression sucks. Big time.

Hang in there, friends. It gets better.