Remission is Weird, part 2, or: "Oh yeah..."

As I write this I realize this might have been written a little out of order; I should have written this post first. I was just so excited about it all that I dove in head-first. Oh well...

The other day, I was folding laundry and letting my mind wander. I was stuck on a pretty toxic line of thought: things I can't do because of energy levels. If you read the last post, then you know that this is a load of bullshit (I do still have Crohn's, but that is also in remission, minus my arthritis issues).

Well, I was mid-thought: "I just don't have the energy because of the Crohn's and depression...wait a second..." when I got the idea for these couple of articles. I'm not depressed anymore. I do have the energy to do things. I no longer have an excuse to not do chores or exercise, or even have fun (this makes sense to my depressed brothers and sisters out there). So what the fuck am I waiting for?

Things I excused myself from (whether legitimately or not): chores around the house, self-improvement, eating well, personal hygiene (gross, I know), wearing at least jeans instead of sweatpants in public, breaking habits, making friends, starting hobbies, and the list goes on.

So now, I have identified my (lack of a) problem. Now I need to completely retrain myself to stop thinking I'm depressed as a way to not try to flourish in life. I am finally in a position to live. And now is where it gets terrifying. Because this is where I have to exist outside my comfort zone. I should have started earlier, but hindsight's a bitch.

This is where this blog changes, as I go out into the wilds and report back my findings to the Depressed Continent. Hmm...that would have made a much better name for this blog.

Remission is weird, part 1 or: SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!

Being depressed, one is more likely to sleep long hours or while the day away passively. Binge-watching TV shows is a common "hobby" of the depressed, and I know that I tended to escape into Walter Mitty-esque fantasies to keep entertained.

Now that I'm in remission, however, I sleep like a normal person (a little less, I think). I have energy to spare and so sitting for hours at a time consuming movies and shows is not really a thing I want to do. Don't get me wrong--I can still get sucked into Top Gear for literally an entire week--but I also know that if I do this, I run the risk of becoming depressed again. The same goes for video games, too. For TV, I make sure I'm doing something at the same time (currently, that means crocheting), and for video games, I just limit them to when everyone else is asleep.

So then, what else is there to do? Try out different hobbies and pick up the ones I have during upswings, of course.

Hobbies I had before: writing and crafts. I'm still trying to get into the mindset of writing, but the internet has such a strong pull on me that it is difficult to concentrate. I have to stick with notebooks and stay away from rooms with monitors in them. Behaviorism is a bitch. For crafting, I sketch, use pastels, and generally make different things like decorations (I made the majority of stuff I hung up around Christmastime). The downside to all of this, is when I'm tapped out of ideas. I don't know what to do at that point. Plus crafting (even with my 30% discount at the store I work at) costs money.

I also like to go hiking when the weather is better, and maybe this year my husband and I will go camping...

New hobbies I have recently picked up: ...more crafting. I know, I know, it's not exactly new, but it is a completely different thing than I'm used to. I'm crocheting now, and I have just finished my first real project (a really, really long scarf). I'm also taking an Intro to Studio Art class this semester, so I'll be forced to keep up with different techniques and getting projects done. I have to maintain a blog for the class, but after the semester's over, I'll transfer all those pictures onto either this blog or to The Reachings (my writing blog that I will eventually start adding to again).

I'm also going to start reading again, starting with Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. The plan is that I'll start to compile a list of books I actually want to read, and then just keep pulling from that as I go.

My point in all this, is that depression takes your whole goddamned life away from you. You have no energy, and you get this overwhelming sense that there is just no time to do anything, no point to learning things, and in the overall scheme of things, who gives a fuck?

But I do. Especially now. Now that I have control of my life again, control of my time and energy and happiness again, I'm going to grab life by the balls and do what I can to fill up my time with things I think are worthwhile.

Part 2 is going to be about how my mindset didn't change right away, and just how...jarring...that can be.

Psychiatric Philosophy

One of the things you hear said a lot from those who have depression is that it is a "disease." You usually only get the two opposing views of it; either it's a disease or "it doesn't exist." You are either crippled or you are just lazy, and neither of these views are particularly helpful.

If you are in the mindset I discussed in the previous post, then the disease model sounds the most accurate: it is crippling, you're not faking, and for many people, it feels like a "forever" thing.

Before I go any further, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not suddenly going against the disease model just because of what my therapist told me on Tuesday. This is a question I've been struggling with since I was coached in Behavioral Activation: if depression is a disease with real, biological causes, how is it that something like getting out of the house more often can be "prescribed" by real doctors--isn't this just the medical equivalent of "just get over yourself?"

Well...the answer is a resounding kinda.

Depression, as far as we understand it, is caused by a combination of bio-psycho-social influences. This means that there is a physical (biological) component, a social component (where the people around us as well as the environment itself have influence), and a psychological component (our thinking habits, to put it simply). 

It is these three things that combine to make us depressed. Once one or all of these become a little too strong or a little too "depressive" in nature, then we start to spiral down. This can happen slowly or all at once, but it is something that snowballs, meaning the individual components stack up against you if you let them.

Obviously, we can't change our genetics. If depression runs in our family, then there is a good chance we're going to become depressed. It's not set in stone exactly, but the possibility still remains. For the other components, however, we have some control.

In a perfect world, we have loving, supportive families that accept us no matter what and always have our back. We have many close friends that help us to better ourselves and see the good in the world. We have a loving significant other who it is always a joy to be around. How many of you are laughing cynically right now? Yeah, that's what I thought.

BUT we can make sure that toxic relationships (SOs who abuse us, friends who degrade us, and family who uses us) are cut out of our lives. We can also take the lead when it comes to finding new friends. This is one area where behavioral activation comes in.

This is obviously easier said than done, especially when in the middle of a depressive episode. Also, depending on how deep you've gotten, this may very well be impossible for the time being. So then, aside from getting psychotropic drugs (which I really do recommend if you need them), you have your thought patterns left.

This is where CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, comes in. This is where you take every thought you have and analyze it until it is no longer harmful in nature. I won't go too in depth about it right now, but basically you try to get yourself to stop thinking distortedly. 

So how does this get you better?

Imagine for a second that your brain is a lump of clay and your thoughts are pressurized water streams. Right now, as a depressed individual, you have certain ways of thinking (depressed thinking) that are the easiest to you. These thoughts run a specific course (hypothetically) in your clay-brain, and this course is the path of least resistance, pre-carved for you by a lifetime (or whatever) of those pressurized water streams blasting away at specific spots.

Now think about if you try to get yourself to think differently, more positively. It's still a stream of water, and even at the same pressure as the depressed thinking, but it's trying to go through a pathway that's either not there at all, or at least very narrow and unused. But the more you keep at it, the more you are going to carve yourself a new way of thinking. These ways will be just as easy to use as the old, depressive ways. 

This process will be made a lot easier if you make other changes: to your environment, to your physical chemistry (through drugs), to your social circle, and to your physical health (through proper diet and exercise, sun exposure, etc.). It takes a lot of work, but depression doesn't have to be the end of your life. It doesn't have to control you. 

And don't think for one goddamned second that this post invalidates your suffering: this shit is real and harmful and it sucks. But just like having to relearn how to walk after an injury, you can relearn how to be happy again (or even for the first time), it just takes a shit load of practice.

I hope this helps you understand depression a little better, and maybe helps a couple of you get the help you need and set you on a path to recovery...

~ <3

Weird and Wonderful News

My last psychology appointment was on Tuesday the 6th, and I was told something I had never heard before: I was at a good enough place, mentally, that we could forego making another appointment until I felt I needed another.

This is, obviously, good news. But it's strange all the same. Those of you who are depressed or have been depressed will totally understand this line of reasoning: it is very hard to admit that you are getting better.

So many people (well-intentioned or not) will be quick to point out that depression is just a "phase" or just a fleeting "bad mood" that will pass just as quickly as it came. We have to fight to be taken seriously, so it is hard to show others when we have our occasional good day. A good day is very often taken as fodder for why depression really isn't a "thing" and so we should just snap out of it because we "totally did it the other day."

None of us want to be depressed, but partaking in Behavioral Activation can be misconstrued as "bucking up." The very methods for getting better are loaded situations, and this makes for an even harder recovery. It's bad enough trying to recover with someone who understands it having your back!

So to be in a situation where I have been free to try out different methods, to get better, to celebrate the good days instead of hiding them...I have finally gotten to a good place. My wonderful, fucking amazing husband has supported me and I have had an awesome, knowledgeable doctor, too, so I am indeed extremely lucky.

To those of you who are struggling to get better, know that it is possible. Know that it may take years, and so much trial and error that it all feels like a mistake, and there will be pain and hardship and idiots that stand in your way, but it is worth it, and you are worth it. Trust me, if no one else, okay?

I started this blog long into years of therapy and drugs and research and I don't want to misrepresent what a recovery looks like. Hell, that road looks different for every person anyway. And there is something else to remember, too: I can't stop here. There is a lifetime of monitoring ahead, and when (not if) that fails, the inevitable battle to get back to where I am today. I'm also still not 100%, either, I'm just good enough right now that I don't need a therapist holding my hand.

I have taken these things into consideration and, though it wasn't required, I went ahead and made an appointment for a month from the last one, just in case. I know myself enough to know that I might slip between here and then and may need some encouragement (beyond my husband's capabilities), and if there is no appointment scheduled, I'll just put it off. And put it off. Until I'm back again, hiding under a blanket, locked in my closet, wishing I were dead.

I don't want to get to that point again. But I could. Knowing that about myself is the most important step, tied with admitting that I may be on that path again. And really, that's what mental health is all about: learning enough about yourself that you can take every step possible to make sure you stay okay or are working to get there. Even those who have never had problems need to keep tabs on their stress levels.

So everyone who is reading this right now, do yourself a favor: pay attention to how you feel. What your moods are telling you, what your body is telling you, what your friends are telling you...it could literally save your life. Or at least save you a hell of a lot of money and misery!

Happy New Year!

Hey everyone! (or at least the one other person who reads this blog)

How have things been? Have you made any resolutions?

Personally, I have vowed to make this an awesome year--depression be damned, Crohn's be damned...I'm hopefully going to do things right this year. I know there is a HUGE chance this is just a silly little energy boost with another new beginning that will wane in just a few more days, so if I fail, I won't be too terribly shocked. But I do have a little bit of hope I'm drumming up for myself.

Ah, who am I kidding?? This year is going to suck just as much as the last one, and the two or so decades before that...but what I CAN do--what even YOU can do--is make sure this bout of hope and energy is put to good use, not toward worrying about what's around the corner, or how everything is going to catch up and you/I'll start feeling like absolute shit again. We know our pattern, so let's use it to our advantage, eh guys?

So what are your 2015 resolutions? What plan do you have in place for once your soul gets sucked out again? What's your contingency plan for in case this doesn't actually happen and you are back to being a normal human being again? TRICK QUESTION--there's no such thing. So far as I can tell, there's no such thing as normal, healthy, happy human beings. We all have something wrong with us whether mental or physical or both, it's just how we present ourselves to the world that makes the difference. It's how we put this knowledge or ourselves and others to use that makes us successful or "surviving," and slowly I'm starting to realize that each of us is actually capable of the whole "success" thing, so long as we are completely willing to change from the bottom of our souls, no matter how painful looking into those depths may be.

So hold out hope for yourself, you beautiful son of a bitch, because I have hope for you, and I'm kind of a cynical little douche.

~ML

Journaling Hows and Whys

Okay, so after having my terrible Wednesday and taking Thursday to chill (and work, admittedly), I feel like it's officially okay to attempt this again.

When it comes to the internet (and official literature that didn't have a paywall), so many people say that journaling is a good idea. It is a good idea for psychoanalysis, CBT, treating PTSD, behavioral activation, migraines, and just regular life among a million other applications as well, I'm sure. However, it's not necessarily something one is apt to do naturally. It feel silly, if I'm honest, at least until you get used to it. I only got really into it in the past year or so and even then it took awhile to get somewhat consistent about it.

I guess, technically, it was always "journaling," but it didn't feel that way. I had read somewhere that you can improve your working memory if you always write everything down. Supposedly this allows your brain to stop trying to hold on to a bunch of unnecessary information so you can focus better on what matters. So I wrote everything down. Grocery lists, schedules, room numbers, directions, idle thoughts, story ideas, complaints--everything. It was mostly on loose leaf paper in my school binder, but eventually I got little notebooks that I could carry around. This might be the beginning of my "pretty journals" obsession...Anyway, this note-taking led to journaling. Kinda. I didn't notice an increase in my mental powers, so I tapered off fairly quickly. When I switched over to journaling about my day, I completely stopped. Eventually I stopped carrying a notebook with me. I didn't really start back up until a couple years ago, and it didn't really get serious until last year, I think, when my depression bottomed-out again.

So what do I journal about now? Anything. Everything. I write about my day, my thoughts, I bitch about people/classes, I record my physical as well as mental health (though not as much as my doctors would like). I evaluate how I handled different problems and why, I make plans for Christmas decorations...

Do you want to start? Find a notebook that you like, or bind some loose leaf together in a folder. Then...well...start. There are a bunch of different techniques you can try, but research has shown (if you read any of the six links up top) that the most beneficial way to do this is to write about potential gains from problems you face. Basically just re-evaluating shitty situations and trying to find anything you could learn or grow from. This keeps you focused on more reflexive topics while not just dwelling on the negative.

If this deeper writing isn't for you, you can try more surface things like the route I took, writing everything down. There is also even more subtle things where you simply record the weather for each day. You can even take the more CBT-focused route and just record thoughts and feelings that you have.

If you are more creatively inclined (you don't have to be good at this, just enjoy it), you can start something called an art journal, too! Basically you take a topic and you draw/paint/photograph/sculpt/modge podge/collage it. It can be something really emotional such as a break up, or it could be fairly simple like taking a concept ("freedom") and making an entry representing that. To get the most out of this, I would suggest writing something alongside these entries so you can have something more concrete to look back on.

And for the most benefit, make sure you do look back! You can compare and see how you've grown or find patterns that are destructive. And if you have a therapist, then I would suggest bringing up your journal with them and seeing if they want to go over certain things with you. Having a trained second set of eyes can help eliminate some bias that may blind you to certain defenses or faults.

I think I might start posting journal topics for you guys either on a separate page or on the side bar, I don't know.
There is now a journaling topics page! Last update to it was on 11/25 at 1:26 am.

Have you had any experience with journaling you'd like to share? Maybe pictures of your journals themselves (I'm a sucker for a nice notebook)? Please comment below!

The Project

So a while back, Dr. S looked at my activity log and mentioned that journaling is one of my "values." I kinda did a little mental twinge, but just tucked it away for later. The question lingered, though: how the fuck is "journaling" a value?

Eventually I revisited that--y'know, shower thoughts and all that--and came to the conclusion that journaling isn't a value; it is an action that expresses a value. So what is that value? I came up with a few: introspection, reflection, emotional processing, expression, and self understanding. After that I thought about what other activities express might express values that I don't even pay attention to. Yeah, that's a bit of a mouthful.

Anyway.

That's where I got the idea for The Project. Maybe there are other aspects of my life I could examine and learn from. It's a little psychoanalytical, but either way, here's the general idea:

I'm going to take every aspect of my life and dissect it. I'm not trying to find anything wrong or second-guess my every move from birth or anything, just identify patterns and associations. I'll write lists, essays, draw pie charts--however best to present my data--and then analyze the shit out of it. Like I said, psychoanalytical.

Some ideas for topics include relationships with other people--good, bad, indifferent--and how/why they got that way. The list of activities I already mentioned was the first entry. Also I've got habit, pet peeves, prejudices, thing that disgust me, defense mechanisms, hopes, dreams, and common/repeated problems. There are many other things I can/will evaluate, but this is more than enough to get me started. This is also on top of my novel, my creative writing blog, and this blog too, so it may take awhile, but in the end it'll be worth it.

Plato had written, "Know thyself." It was an admonishment of cocky young fucks, and I know this project of mine may sting--it will certainly bring up some harsh memories if I manage to stay honest with myself.

Maybe I'll post some bits from this Project, but I can't guarantee that. I will, however, post some of the topics I use with explanations of just what the hell I'm talking about. I really encourage all of you who feel fairly stable to take a shot. Those of you still trudging through the tar might want to stick to more "life-affirming" topics. In fact, I think that's what Wednesday will be about.

~Stay warm, kiddies (unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere--you guys stay cool)!

Friday Check-In!

Hey everyone!

So I haven't done this sort of thing in a while, but here we are again. I have actually been through a lot, recently--not anything bad necessarily, just a lot.

Firstly, I have a new job (as I've said already). I work at a craft store, selling fake flowers to old ladies and yarn to hipsters. It's going pretty darn well: they keep their side of the Americans with Disabilities Act by allowing me to sit on a stool at the register and take breaks when I need it when I'm working the floor (there's not much else for them to do with me, really). So there's that. But then there's something else.

I think I may not finish my degree.

Just a few months ago, and I would be so ashamed of myself, saying that I'm worthless and useless and I'd never be able to amount to anything or help anybody unless I straight up got my doctorate. I do feel silly; I've been pretty proud of myself for planning on making to so long in the college game. But that's all it was: planning. I tried to take credit for something that never really happened. *cringe*

So what will I do instead, you ask? I don't have a f*cking clue (as I also have already said). But I really think I might get a kick out of trying to do this blog for realsies. This means that I'd have to write much more consistently and actually try to get readers instead of this, "I want but don't want people to read my stuff 'cuz I'm a silly little girl," crap. Either way, this could really only mean good things to come for this blog as I'll have to up the quality and actually think about what I'm posting before I do so.

Also, I have another blog that I started awhile ago called The Reachings, that is a lot more creative writing-based that I will be starting back up on. This one might actually become my job one day, so if you care at all, check it out! Right now it's a lot of old stuff, but soon after posting this, I'll be putting up some other writings and posting my plans for it there.

My goals for this next week, then:
1. Come up with "real" posts for this blog. Maybe about a month's worth.
2. Write and edit those posts (at least 2 weeks' worth).
3. Don't panic!
4. Figure out how I'm going to get through two more semesters of school while also knowing that none of it actually makes a bit of difference.

Wish me luck on these things. Maybe I can actually help people without a degree...

Fuck it.

This may sound like I'm giving up, but it is actually a kind of war cry; a beginning to another attempt to actually write things on this blog. This article itself won't be very exciting probably, as I have to start getting ready for work soon. Yes, work!

I finally buckled down and got a job that is still kind of physically demanding (for me, anyway), but is still pretty accommodating. I work at a craft store as a cashier and sometimes a sales floor rep (basically just keeping things tidy while showing old ladys where the yarn is). I've wanted to work there for years, but I was either outright rejected (due to absolutely STUPID interview answers on my part--I still cringe), or I was too afraid to apply (years later). Either way, I finally applied and it took a couple months for a different location to actually get a hold of me (I hate online applications now). It was a simple, "if you can form a coherent sentence, you're hired" kind of interview, but I was still fabulously prepared for it.

I have made a lot of mental progress since the last time I wrote something here, and I have made a lot of progress on my novel, too. Once I get home tonight or between classes tomorrow I will write a lot more on that, as I am pretty excited about how well I've been doing. There is, of course, a lot of anxiety there as well, because my depression still sits in the back of my head and reminds me that it could rear its ugly head at any point if I drop my guard. It really is something I have to keep watch on, too, as I found out during my recent fall break.

At this point I'm mainly just rambling an update to (again) let you know I'm still alive, so I won't subject you to too much more until later. I just randomly saw the bookmark for blogger and thought I should just sneak a peek and see if it was something I wanted to do again, and it was! So yeah. Thanks for putting up with me thus far, and I'll write more soon.

Long time, no write.

Yeah, I know I haven't actually contributed anything to the blogosphere in a while. It happens. Especially when you are seriously down and out and then sick, and then starting school, and all that. Ah well.

But I am alive! At least...last time I checked, anyway.

I don't know exactly what's going to happen here, to be honest. I might shut this down, I might get right back up on the horse. Most likely, however, it will be a sporadic chronicling of the times when I am not depressed and/or sick and/or busy as hell (that last one almost never happens for real, so no worries there). Any way it happens in the future, I am writing now. And RIGHT NOW is the most important time, right?

That's such an interesting concept. Right this second is the rest of your life. <--and that, my friends, sounds cliche as fuck. But it's true, isn't it? I could, right this second: go rob a bank, take a nap, start trying to find money to start a homeless shelter, shoot myself in the face (actually, I don't think that would be a "right this second" kind of thing, as I have no ready access to a gun), work on my novel, or just finish this blog post and then start re-watching Archer from the beginning like I was planning on doing. Every instant has a wealth of possibilities that, when you're depressed, are almost impossible to see.

Depression is stupid.

Anyway, the more I think, "screw the audience, I'm just gonna write!" the more I want to continue this blog. Fuck it, why not? The worst that could happen is no one ever reads it and I just keep typing to myself. Maybe I'll get better at writing. Maybe I'll figure out some crazy awesome universal truth that no one has ever thought of before and then have some crazy epiphany and then solve world hunger or something. Most likely the first one, if I were a betting woman. The point is, I'm still alive and I get to decide what that means. Right now. And now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now.























And now.

Check-In and Behavioral Activation

I'm a little late in posting this, but here it is! *dun-dundun-duuuuun*

Yeah, so my daily goals were not really reached this past week. I did, however, get the rest of the transcription done for my book (basically just typing up what had been hand-written by me a million years ago), so I was able to print that section and start editing. This is something that you already knew if you follow me on Twitter. You don't--not yet--but that's okay!

I have the same goals as before, including trying to find a place to volunteer, and another place to get a job. Other than that, I also want to squeeze in a little more drawing in my "art therapy journal" thing (technical terms, you see), just for the hell of it. It beats watching TV. Although that seems to be the only way my husband and I spend time on the weekdays because he's so exhausted after work, so it might just have to be drawing while watching TV, but I can handle that.

Mood-wise I've been pretty even-keel. A little guilt has sprouted up here and there, and I was depressed as shit for a little bit at the VA (who doesn't get that way there, though?), but nothing too out of the ordinary.

Also, just a comment on the Behavioral Activation thing I've been doing recently; it's been neat. While I haven't completely overhauled my schedule, it has made some genuine improvements since I've been writing down what I've actually done while keeping in mind what I need/want to do. I have been trying to schedule my days by the hour for months now, but never really got to the point of following said schedule. With the daily activity log, I am able to reevaluate how I spent my time, and how I could rearrange everything to fit the important stuff into my day. This is a lot smoother than just trying to shoehorn and guilt certain activities in; it's almost more natural feeling. "Okay, I wanted to take long walks with the dog everyday, but yesterday I decided to play video games because it was too damn hot and by the time I thought about it again, it was too late. So let's adjust the time I go out and maybe set an alarm," and then, gradually, it changes.
And it's so easy that I'm mad at myself for not having thought of it! Here's a quick, simplified guide for you.

1. Think about what you value, what your goals are. 
2. Think about little steps you could make every day to advance (move toward) those goals.
3. Write 1 & 2 down, then plan out your week. Add in school/work/other obligations and then fill in just a few of those steps. Don't overwhelm yourself, obviously. Just one little thing will do. Have every day planned (not necessarily every hour, and remember to remain flexible as life constants shifts).
4. Write down next to what you planned, what you actually did, how much you enjoyed it (1-10) and then how much you feel you achieved doing each of those things (1-10). This way, you can assess how those activities fit in with either your goals or even just relaxing/self-care. Because you don't have to always be doing something crazy-goal-oriented. 
5. When (not if) you fuck up, forgive yourself. No one's perfect, you included. You are going to have a day where everything is planned, and you spend it (especially if you are depressed) lying in bed eating Cheetos. It happens. Shrug it off, and evaluate why you did it. If you were just too overwhelmed, cut back in your schedule. If you just wanted a day to eat Cheetos, fuck it. You did it. Now start back up tomorrow and don't worry too much about "making up" for today. 

What might also help is starting off by just recording what you do to get a realistic view of it all. One week, write down what you do hour by hour. At the end of the week, just take a look and use that as a jumping off point for the rest of your schedule. This way, you can be a little more subtle with adding activities and it feels even less forced.

All of this was done in collaboration with my current therapist, Dr. S. She's pretty fucking legit and very realistic, so I'm hoping I get to work with her long-term. *crosses fingers*

So anyway, enough about me; how has your week been?

Friday Check-In

Alright, so how do I do one of these? I guess however I feel like, huh? Don't worry, I'll get better at this one day...

This week was my second week of doing a Behavioral Activation time sheet. Week 1 is just putting down what you did everyday, and Week 2 is all about having a couple goals for yourself: having certain activities that will make you feel like you accomplished something, activities that you just really enjoy, and others that get you out of the house/socializing.

My goals this week have been journaling, writing, and taking my dog on long walks everyday. I had a trip to the grocery store and a trip to a great little coffee shop to get me out of the house, each instance planned for just one time at some point during the week. I also had a couple papers to write (big, final papers for my two summer courses at college). All of this seemed like it was going to take a lot out of me, but I started off excited, nonetheless.

The papers did NOT go well. I did, however, journal everyday (except yesterday, I'll get into that). Writing entails the revision, etc. of a novel I started in 2009. I'm on the third-ish draft right now, and haven't really been doing as much as I would like, this week included.

Blogging was a goal that I kinda made myself, since I just randomly decided to do in this new direction. I have to keep reminding myself that it won't be perfect, and (especially since I don't have an audience right now) doesn't have to be. This reminder should also help out my writing and schoolwork...perfection is something I really need to let go of.
Anyway, blogging--as you can see--went pretty well for this week.

Dog walking has been a little iffy, since it's been hotter than Hades's Ballsack. But what walks we have been on, she's loved--we have a lot more squirrels and such for her to want to murder.

I actually went out quite a bit. My husband has been rather supportive, and he tends to either drag me along for errands or send me out to get stuff. It also helped that I had to go to class (and I can't cook), so I was also motivated by hunger.

Socializing is a lot easier now, too, as I have two extra people living in my house.

So how has Behavioral Activation worked so far? ...Meh. But it's only been one week of adjustment. Like I said, I started off pretty excited (like usual) and really tried hard to get everything done. This excitement and hope gave me a lot of energy, but soon it wore off and I started to slack off on different things. After the paper fiasco, I really kinda just stopped caring again.

But that's where therapy comes in handy: talking through my issues with perfectionism helped me articulate my reasons behind why I put so much pressure on myself, which in turn helps the outside party (aka, Dr. S.) help me find a way to satisfy the needs that aren't being met.

SO
My goals for next week are the same, minus the papers, and adding on a) finding a job (that's not a part of the therapy, I just need monies), and b) finding a place to volunteer. Baby steps, guys, baby steps.

How's your week been? Any goals completed or new ones for the next week? I'd love to hear it, and even if you don't post them, I wish you luck on new ones, congratulate you on benchmarks reached, and know that ones on which you fell short, you will get eventually--just don't give up!

~ML

On Monday, I'll talk about my beautifully dumb string of terrible therapists as even more testament to not giving up, provide entertainment to those who don't need therapy, and hopefully make a nice connection with those who have had similar experiences. 

New Direction and Goals

So as I already said on the sidebar, I am thinking about taking this blog in a different direction. I'm going to keep the previous posts up, and I will not entirely abandon the academic angle, either. I just really need to stop trying to be what I am not. I am not a doctor, an academic (I'm a college student, but not a very studious one), or even a fully functioning individual at this point.

This does not mean I have nothing of value to say, however! I just have nothing truly to say from those viewpoints. So then, what am I?

• I am a depressed person; I have Major Depression Disorder, as a matter of fact.
• I am a medically retired Navy vet due to Crohn's Disease.
• I am in an awesome marriage with an even more amazing husband.
• I am a writer.

The depression and Crohn's sucks, but that doesn't mean I have to suffer quietly. This blog will be an active stand against succumbing to the effects of these illnesses, and hopefully a place for you to join me on the long journey to recovery. And it is a journey, not a road--not a long, gray slab of asphalt for us to stare at and hope it ends soon--this is an opportunity to become better than we ever have been before, or even better than we could have ever been without this crazy challenge to face.

So here's what's going to happen: I'm going to start on Monday. July 21, 2014, I will begin writing a sort of biography to catch you all up on what brought me to this point. Most likely it will be a 2-part post ending on Wednesday. On Friday, I will start the weekly tradition of checking in: looking at what I accomplished throughout the week, how I've felt emotionally and physically, goals I can set up for the next week, and so on. I encourage all of you to check in as well! Post your goals, express concerns, share your triumphs, and give others a kind word or two.

The other two days (hopefully always Monday and Wednesday), I'll write on different topics: what depression is like, resources, tips, different therapies I've tried and what I thought of them, etc., and I will try my best to cite peer-reviewed sources as appropriate.

I admit, I definitely got the inspiration to start this due to the BBC's show Sherlock. John Watson's blog is far more entertaining than anything I'll write here, I'm sure, but this is more therapeutic for me. This is also in conjunction to the recent introduction of Behavioral Activation therapy into my regimen. I'm supposed to be writing something daily, so I figure this would be a good excuse as any to share my story.

Here's to better health, yeah?
~ML