What's been going on lately...

So I have been handling my realization that I'll never get a degree a little harder than I originally thought. I was surprised at my ability to handle it, but it turns out I was just suppressing my feelings about it.

I am disappointed in myself and angry at the system. I feel like psychological community is missing out on someone who could have helped out a lot, and this makes me sad. And then, of course, the inevitable embarrassment at not being able to function like a normal human being...

Needless to say, it's hitting kinda hard.

I had tried to use the military as my "one last chance to not be a failure," and then once I got medically retired and emotionally worked through that train wreck, just jumped headlong into this one...I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself now. I had plans of writing and just working where I can for now--which I'm still planning on--but it just feels so...hollow. Pointless. It isn't, but my emotional state at the moment is making it seem that way.

So today's lesson, I guess, is that just because something seems hopeless or worthless or even good and worthwhile, doesn't mean it is--it just means that that's how we are viewing it at the given moment. Everything is in flux. This line of thinking can be humbling or uplifting, depending on how we see ourselves at the moment, knowing that--given some time--it'll change, but either way it's okay because this just means we're human. That we are alive. Things that don't change, that remain in stagnation, wither and die. So even thought that's kinda what I want to do right now I know that I'll feel differently soon because I'm still alive.

It's easy to forget how you felt when you were depressed while in remission, or the other way around, but it's important that you don't. While your head is above the waters of despair you can gather information and insight to cling to once the current inevitably pulls you back under, and that insight can help sustain you. The more you practice, the better you'll get, and maybe--just maybe--you'll break free of the cycle.

I'm mainly just rambling now and I need to get ready for work, so I'll just stop here.
Stay well, guys.

Procrasturbation and What's Next

So I don't know what the f*ck to do with my life.

I'm in school right now for psychology, which I love and I'm actually pretty good at--but I am not college material. I should have known this from the start, but I kept deluding myself, thinking, "Maybe this year I'll get my shit together," "Okay, so last semester sucked, but maybe I'll turn everything around this Spring," which inevitably leads to, "Oh...well, shit. Maybe I'll do better in my summer classes."

I'm not stupid, don't get me wrong. If college was just tests, I'd have graduated six times by now. I absorb information like a sponge, but ask me to write a paper and do a presentation, and I'll fuck it up 9 out of 10 times. I hate it. And there is a whole process to it, too.

First, I get the assignment. "Oh that's neat," I'll say. Or maybe even, "That's a dumb topic, but whatever." I tell myself that it'll be easy, or maybe not easy but I don't need to start three months in advance when teachers usually give these assignments. 

Then, I promptly forget about it. I might think about my topic for a day, but then I write it off.

About a month into my class, the teacher brings it up again. Okay, planning time. I can make an outline by this date. This day, I'll pick out what resources I'm going to use. This other day I'll write the first really crappy draft. Then I'll let the topic sit until x date. That day I'll go through and polish it up, sort my resources, etc. Then I'll have a finished draft by...oh...another month before it's due.

Forget about it again.

Two weeks before it's due and people around me start talking about doing research for it. Hm. I should probably get on that.

Forget about it again.

For the next two weeks, I'll be reminded again and again that I have a paper to do, and then--again and again--I'll forget about it. About four days before the paper is due, I'll start to think about it more. Maybe dabble in some research for it. Make that outline. Then I'll go back to video games and hobbies (admittedly with a little more fervor than before) until the night before or the day of and go, "Oh shitshitshitshit," the whole time I'm writing meaningless bullshit.

Alternatively, I'll not do it, and just duck my head down for the next few class periods until the whole paper thing blows over so I don't get the disapproving look and a "Did you send me your paper?"

If I turn the paper in, I usually get an A, which probably just reinforces my procrastinating behaviors--if I get an A with only a day's worth of shitty work, why try?--but overall I alone am responsible for my actions.

There's also some (read: a lot) of perfectionistic tendencies plus defense mechanisms influencing my behavior as well. If I get a bad grade on a paper that I actually tried on, then I'm much more hurt than if I didn't try at all. But it feels like my whole brain shuts down when I sit to type a paper that I know is not going to be good, right up to the "shitshitshit" point.

So What's Next

Fuck if I know. Seriously, though, I am using the GI Bill right now (for which I am eternally grateful), but it's being used on a degree I'm not entirely sure I can finish. I'm not even motivated to finish it, anymore, now that I really have a sense of what I'm actually capable of. It doesn't help knowing that it only covers 3 years of a 4 year program, so even if I got straight A's I would still have to wait until I could afford to go to school another year. So what's a girl to do?

Prostitution. 

Whaaaat? No, I'm just kidding--did you see your face?! Ha, in all seriousness, I still really don't know. I would just love to be able to write for a living: I could work from home, which would be good for my body; I could save money on gas; I could do what I love and get paid for it; and best of all, I wouldn't have to work in customer service. 

Yeah, I just talked at length about how I can't write papers for school and then immediately turned around to say that I'd love to do it for a living. And yes, I am aware of how stupid that sounds. Let's get things straight, if my boss came up to me today and said, "Hey, I'm going to need you to write a report on psychotropic drugs by Thursday," I'd be all over that shit. Because I'd be getting paid to do it, and (while I don't know why a craft store would need a report like that and I should probably look into reporting him for academic dishonesty) it would be relevant to my job. At least, relevant to keeping my job...

Anyway.

I am just not able to work for the long game, is what all this comes down to. I need to experience the immediate consequence for my work, otherwise it is really difficult to care. And I suppose that's not a totally terrible thing: if I get that one condition, I work my ass off. I will gladly sit there for four hours cleaning every speck of dust out of my work area if we are getting inspected. I will get really into re-organizing my office if it is to meet a specific, real-world goal. I will write page after page after page of stuff, if I am actually getting something out of it. And hell, that's how this blog started out--I really felt like I was getting something out of writing about Positive Psychology for a class I was in. I only changed it over to what it is today because I am no longer in that class and I was starting to feel like I was repeating myself.

So in short, god only knows what the hell I'm going to do once my GI Bill runs out (or I end up making enough money to quit early).

Little Slips

Last post I wrote about the anxiety that's always there, just waiting for myself to slip back into months-long depression and hopelessness. Well, I'm still waiting for "the big one" but little ones have been cropping up here and there.

I don't even know where the last one came from, just that it happened and it was annoying (after I got over bawling my eyes out). But really, it was survivable. I wonder if that's what my life has in store for me from now on: little bouts of mini-breakdowns every once in a while for no reason whatsoever. I hope not, but if so, then I guess it is what it is...

I just have to try to remind myself that it is happening now, yes. And it sucks ass, yes. But just because I am spontaneously depressed today doesn't mean it is going to be months of a downward spiral until I want to shoot myself in the face. It could just be for tonight, and even if it isn't, I'll deal with it like I have for 20ish years prior. Just to wait it out until tomorrow and try not to get too existential about my suffering until then.

And breathe. As much as I hate admitting it (it sounds like a tree-hugging, new-age, hippie thing), breathing exercises really, really help. Just concentrate on the fact that you are breathing in, then out and all the sounds and physical sensations in between...when you start to think about anything else (good, bad, or not), just go, "nope," and breathe in again. Breathe out again. It won't fix anything necessarily, and it takes a lot of strength and practice to bring yourself back to it, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

Anyway, that's been my week.

Panicking--what do?!

The other day, I had a panic-filled hour or two. It wasn't a traditional panic attack--with the sweating and the heart palpitations and the feeling like I'm going crazy or going to die--this was a much more mild panic. That lasted forever. Ugh.

So how did I pull through this? Well, I'm not quite an expert at this whole thing yet, but I do have some tricks.

1. Realize that this is just a feeling. I'm not dying, I'm not in danger, I'm just overreacting to something (probably having been cooped up in the house for a couple weeks too long and not having much to show for it).
2. Fat lot of good that did. What's next?
3. Take long, slow, deep breaths.
4. Oh crap, that didn't work. Now what?
5. What do the experts say? Some say exercise...ugh, that sounds awful. Others say to distract yourself...okay...god this is uncomfortable...let's try to...I don't know...edit more of my book! That sounds like a good idea. 
6. Oh god, this still isn't working. I can't even concentrate, I'm so panicked. And finally, the (somewhat terrible) solution to many problems (that surprisingly works):
7. Take a nap.

Yeah, I took a nap. It took some time for my adrenaline to stop pumping, but there just is something about laying down in a really comfy bed with a fan blasting cool air in my face while petting my fluffy Pomeranian that calms me down from a 6 to a nap. 

I don't know why it works, and it really is only a temporary solution until I can finally master myself, but when I'm in a pinch, I take a nap. It's much better than, say, running around screaming until I throw myself into a full-fledged panic attack. I just wish I still had a prescription to Klonopin. Oh well.

Anyway, I hope you guys have a better week than I've been having.

~ML