Remission is weird, part 1 or: SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!

Being depressed, one is more likely to sleep long hours or while the day away passively. Binge-watching TV shows is a common "hobby" of the depressed, and I know that I tended to escape into Walter Mitty-esque fantasies to keep entertained.

Now that I'm in remission, however, I sleep like a normal person (a little less, I think). I have energy to spare and so sitting for hours at a time consuming movies and shows is not really a thing I want to do. Don't get me wrong--I can still get sucked into Top Gear for literally an entire week--but I also know that if I do this, I run the risk of becoming depressed again. The same goes for video games, too. For TV, I make sure I'm doing something at the same time (currently, that means crocheting), and for video games, I just limit them to when everyone else is asleep.

So then, what else is there to do? Try out different hobbies and pick up the ones I have during upswings, of course.

Hobbies I had before: writing and crafts. I'm still trying to get into the mindset of writing, but the internet has such a strong pull on me that it is difficult to concentrate. I have to stick with notebooks and stay away from rooms with monitors in them. Behaviorism is a bitch. For crafting, I sketch, use pastels, and generally make different things like decorations (I made the majority of stuff I hung up around Christmastime). The downside to all of this, is when I'm tapped out of ideas. I don't know what to do at that point. Plus crafting (even with my 30% discount at the store I work at) costs money.

I also like to go hiking when the weather is better, and maybe this year my husband and I will go camping...

New hobbies I have recently picked up: ...more crafting. I know, I know, it's not exactly new, but it is a completely different thing than I'm used to. I'm crocheting now, and I have just finished my first real project (a really, really long scarf). I'm also taking an Intro to Studio Art class this semester, so I'll be forced to keep up with different techniques and getting projects done. I have to maintain a blog for the class, but after the semester's over, I'll transfer all those pictures onto either this blog or to The Reachings (my writing blog that I will eventually start adding to again).

I'm also going to start reading again, starting with Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. The plan is that I'll start to compile a list of books I actually want to read, and then just keep pulling from that as I go.

My point in all this, is that depression takes your whole goddamned life away from you. You have no energy, and you get this overwhelming sense that there is just no time to do anything, no point to learning things, and in the overall scheme of things, who gives a fuck?

But I do. Especially now. Now that I have control of my life again, control of my time and energy and happiness again, I'm going to grab life by the balls and do what I can to fill up my time with things I think are worthwhile.

Part 2 is going to be about how my mindset didn't change right away, and just how...jarring...that can be.

Friday Check-In!

Hey everyone!

So I haven't done this sort of thing in a while, but here we are again. I have actually been through a lot, recently--not anything bad necessarily, just a lot.

Firstly, I have a new job (as I've said already). I work at a craft store, selling fake flowers to old ladies and yarn to hipsters. It's going pretty darn well: they keep their side of the Americans with Disabilities Act by allowing me to sit on a stool at the register and take breaks when I need it when I'm working the floor (there's not much else for them to do with me, really). So there's that. But then there's something else.

I think I may not finish my degree.

Just a few months ago, and I would be so ashamed of myself, saying that I'm worthless and useless and I'd never be able to amount to anything or help anybody unless I straight up got my doctorate. I do feel silly; I've been pretty proud of myself for planning on making to so long in the college game. But that's all it was: planning. I tried to take credit for something that never really happened. *cringe*

So what will I do instead, you ask? I don't have a f*cking clue (as I also have already said). But I really think I might get a kick out of trying to do this blog for realsies. This means that I'd have to write much more consistently and actually try to get readers instead of this, "I want but don't want people to read my stuff 'cuz I'm a silly little girl," crap. Either way, this could really only mean good things to come for this blog as I'll have to up the quality and actually think about what I'm posting before I do so.

Also, I have another blog that I started awhile ago called The Reachings, that is a lot more creative writing-based that I will be starting back up on. This one might actually become my job one day, so if you care at all, check it out! Right now it's a lot of old stuff, but soon after posting this, I'll be putting up some other writings and posting my plans for it there.

My goals for this next week, then:
1. Come up with "real" posts for this blog. Maybe about a month's worth.
2. Write and edit those posts (at least 2 weeks' worth).
3. Don't panic!
4. Figure out how I'm going to get through two more semesters of school while also knowing that none of it actually makes a bit of difference.

Wish me luck on these things. Maybe I can actually help people without a degree...

Little Slips

Last post I wrote about the anxiety that's always there, just waiting for myself to slip back into months-long depression and hopelessness. Well, I'm still waiting for "the big one" but little ones have been cropping up here and there.

I don't even know where the last one came from, just that it happened and it was annoying (after I got over bawling my eyes out). But really, it was survivable. I wonder if that's what my life has in store for me from now on: little bouts of mini-breakdowns every once in a while for no reason whatsoever. I hope not, but if so, then I guess it is what it is...

I just have to try to remind myself that it is happening now, yes. And it sucks ass, yes. But just because I am spontaneously depressed today doesn't mean it is going to be months of a downward spiral until I want to shoot myself in the face. It could just be for tonight, and even if it isn't, I'll deal with it like I have for 20ish years prior. Just to wait it out until tomorrow and try not to get too existential about my suffering until then.

And breathe. As much as I hate admitting it (it sounds like a tree-hugging, new-age, hippie thing), breathing exercises really, really help. Just concentrate on the fact that you are breathing in, then out and all the sounds and physical sensations in between...when you start to think about anything else (good, bad, or not), just go, "nope," and breathe in again. Breathe out again. It won't fix anything necessarily, and it takes a lot of strength and practice to bring yourself back to it, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

Anyway, that's been my week.

For the Interim...

I have officially started school for the summer, so I am a little behind in my "real" life. However, I have not entirely forgotten about you (the, probably, one other person who reads this blog)! So, until I have time to write something a little more substantial, allow me to suggest a couple of sites for you.

First, there is freepsychotherapybooks.org. This site is 100% legit in that it is totally free and totally legal. They have a lot of books (and even a few workbooks) that have to do with therapy, disorders, relationships, creativity, and much, much more. You just download the books onto your computer and/or tablet and then read. Some books have epub files you can use for your Nook, and some are pdf. only.

The book I just recently finished and *highly* recommend for anyone dealing with this issue, is Living with Chronic Depression: a Rehabilitation Approach, by a Dr. Jerome D. Levin. It starts off really basic, talking about all different kinds of treatments for depression--most of them you probably already know, and those you don't you might want to give a try--and can kind of make you feel worse as you read it. BUT, after you get past that, it really starts to delve into causes and theories and ends up making visible that elusive light at the end of the tunnel. I actually credit this book along with a new course of therapy for my recent upswing. Even if you don't like it, check out the rest of the books, too. What's the harm?

Another site is more for a quick pick-me-up, called Boggle the Owl. Boggle is an owl, and he is worried about you! It isn't a cure for depression, but it is freakin' adorable. Boggle is really good at sending off the vibe of "unconditional positive regard" and he is ready to take your questions and concerns. Yes, it's a tumblr page, but give him a chance--he really loves you!

I hope these pages give you something to do while I work on myself, my homework, and a quality article for you.

~Be well!