Journaling Hows and Whys

Okay, so after having my terrible Wednesday and taking Thursday to chill (and work, admittedly), I feel like it's officially okay to attempt this again.

When it comes to the internet (and official literature that didn't have a paywall), so many people say that journaling is a good idea. It is a good idea for psychoanalysis, CBT, treating PTSD, behavioral activation, migraines, and just regular life among a million other applications as well, I'm sure. However, it's not necessarily something one is apt to do naturally. It feel silly, if I'm honest, at least until you get used to it. I only got really into it in the past year or so and even then it took awhile to get somewhat consistent about it.

I guess, technically, it was always "journaling," but it didn't feel that way. I had read somewhere that you can improve your working memory if you always write everything down. Supposedly this allows your brain to stop trying to hold on to a bunch of unnecessary information so you can focus better on what matters. So I wrote everything down. Grocery lists, schedules, room numbers, directions, idle thoughts, story ideas, complaints--everything. It was mostly on loose leaf paper in my school binder, but eventually I got little notebooks that I could carry around. This might be the beginning of my "pretty journals" obsession...Anyway, this note-taking led to journaling. Kinda. I didn't notice an increase in my mental powers, so I tapered off fairly quickly. When I switched over to journaling about my day, I completely stopped. Eventually I stopped carrying a notebook with me. I didn't really start back up until a couple years ago, and it didn't really get serious until last year, I think, when my depression bottomed-out again.

So what do I journal about now? Anything. Everything. I write about my day, my thoughts, I bitch about people/classes, I record my physical as well as mental health (though not as much as my doctors would like). I evaluate how I handled different problems and why, I make plans for Christmas decorations...

Do you want to start? Find a notebook that you like, or bind some loose leaf together in a folder. Then...well...start. There are a bunch of different techniques you can try, but research has shown (if you read any of the six links up top) that the most beneficial way to do this is to write about potential gains from problems you face. Basically just re-evaluating shitty situations and trying to find anything you could learn or grow from. This keeps you focused on more reflexive topics while not just dwelling on the negative.

If this deeper writing isn't for you, you can try more surface things like the route I took, writing everything down. There is also even more subtle things where you simply record the weather for each day. You can even take the more CBT-focused route and just record thoughts and feelings that you have.

If you are more creatively inclined (you don't have to be good at this, just enjoy it), you can start something called an art journal, too! Basically you take a topic and you draw/paint/photograph/sculpt/modge podge/collage it. It can be something really emotional such as a break up, or it could be fairly simple like taking a concept ("freedom") and making an entry representing that. To get the most out of this, I would suggest writing something alongside these entries so you can have something more concrete to look back on.

And for the most benefit, make sure you do look back! You can compare and see how you've grown or find patterns that are destructive. And if you have a therapist, then I would suggest bringing up your journal with them and seeing if they want to go over certain things with you. Having a trained second set of eyes can help eliminate some bias that may blind you to certain defenses or faults.

I think I might start posting journal topics for you guys either on a separate page or on the side bar, I don't know.
There is now a journaling topics page! Last update to it was on 11/25 at 1:26 am.

Have you had any experience with journaling you'd like to share? Maybe pictures of your journals themselves (I'm a sucker for a nice notebook)? Please comment below!

Trudging Through Tar

Hey. Today, I'm supposed to be writing about journaling and the different ways to get started. But right now I'm about ready to just curl up in my bed and ride out a shitty bout of self-hatred. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be over this by now, right? Wrong. I'm pretty much stuck with this stupid disease for the rest of my life (probably), and right now I'm pretty fucking sick of it.

I'm tired of the struggle, of the pain, of the upswings where I look around and realize that everything I've felt so sad about is silly, and then the anxiety behind the knowledge that I'm going to slip face-first into the tar pit of despair again when I least expect it (like today), and then the aforementioned slip itself. Right now I just want to give up. To go to sleep and not wake up...

But I can't. I know that on a long-term sort of scale, I'll get better--even if only for about a day or two--and then I'll do something that makes this stupid life worth it; be it a blog post, a helpful comment on reddit, or even just holding the door open for someone who really needed a little bit of kindness that day. Because, you see, no one lives in a vacuum. No matter how much you try to isolate yourself, someone is affected by what you do for better or worse. Little actions lead to big results that, honestly, you may never see, but they are there. You matter. I matter. As much as I wish I didn't...

So trudge on I shall. Although, right now I'm just going to lay down with the covers over my head until I can stop crying long enough to distract myself (probably with video games). I'm not going to lie, depression sucks. Big time.

Hang in there, friends. It gets better.

The Project

So a while back, Dr. S looked at my activity log and mentioned that journaling is one of my "values." I kinda did a little mental twinge, but just tucked it away for later. The question lingered, though: how the fuck is "journaling" a value?

Eventually I revisited that--y'know, shower thoughts and all that--and came to the conclusion that journaling isn't a value; it is an action that expresses a value. So what is that value? I came up with a few: introspection, reflection, emotional processing, expression, and self understanding. After that I thought about what other activities express might express values that I don't even pay attention to. Yeah, that's a bit of a mouthful.

Anyway.

That's where I got the idea for The Project. Maybe there are other aspects of my life I could examine and learn from. It's a little psychoanalytical, but either way, here's the general idea:

I'm going to take every aspect of my life and dissect it. I'm not trying to find anything wrong or second-guess my every move from birth or anything, just identify patterns and associations. I'll write lists, essays, draw pie charts--however best to present my data--and then analyze the shit out of it. Like I said, psychoanalytical.

Some ideas for topics include relationships with other people--good, bad, indifferent--and how/why they got that way. The list of activities I already mentioned was the first entry. Also I've got habit, pet peeves, prejudices, thing that disgust me, defense mechanisms, hopes, dreams, and common/repeated problems. There are many other things I can/will evaluate, but this is more than enough to get me started. This is also on top of my novel, my creative writing blog, and this blog too, so it may take awhile, but in the end it'll be worth it.

Plato had written, "Know thyself." It was an admonishment of cocky young fucks, and I know this project of mine may sting--it will certainly bring up some harsh memories if I manage to stay honest with myself.

Maybe I'll post some bits from this Project, but I can't guarantee that. I will, however, post some of the topics I use with explanations of just what the hell I'm talking about. I really encourage all of you who feel fairly stable to take a shot. Those of you still trudging through the tar might want to stick to more "life-affirming" topics. In fact, I think that's what Wednesday will be about.

~Stay warm, kiddies (unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere--you guys stay cool)!