Procrasturbation and What's Next

So I don't know what the f*ck to do with my life.

I'm in school right now for psychology, which I love and I'm actually pretty good at--but I am not college material. I should have known this from the start, but I kept deluding myself, thinking, "Maybe this year I'll get my shit together," "Okay, so last semester sucked, but maybe I'll turn everything around this Spring," which inevitably leads to, "Oh...well, shit. Maybe I'll do better in my summer classes."

I'm not stupid, don't get me wrong. If college was just tests, I'd have graduated six times by now. I absorb information like a sponge, but ask me to write a paper and do a presentation, and I'll fuck it up 9 out of 10 times. I hate it. And there is a whole process to it, too.

First, I get the assignment. "Oh that's neat," I'll say. Or maybe even, "That's a dumb topic, but whatever." I tell myself that it'll be easy, or maybe not easy but I don't need to start three months in advance when teachers usually give these assignments. 

Then, I promptly forget about it. I might think about my topic for a day, but then I write it off.

About a month into my class, the teacher brings it up again. Okay, planning time. I can make an outline by this date. This day, I'll pick out what resources I'm going to use. This other day I'll write the first really crappy draft. Then I'll let the topic sit until x date. That day I'll go through and polish it up, sort my resources, etc. Then I'll have a finished draft by...oh...another month before it's due.

Forget about it again.

Two weeks before it's due and people around me start talking about doing research for it. Hm. I should probably get on that.

Forget about it again.

For the next two weeks, I'll be reminded again and again that I have a paper to do, and then--again and again--I'll forget about it. About four days before the paper is due, I'll start to think about it more. Maybe dabble in some research for it. Make that outline. Then I'll go back to video games and hobbies (admittedly with a little more fervor than before) until the night before or the day of and go, "Oh shitshitshitshit," the whole time I'm writing meaningless bullshit.

Alternatively, I'll not do it, and just duck my head down for the next few class periods until the whole paper thing blows over so I don't get the disapproving look and a "Did you send me your paper?"

If I turn the paper in, I usually get an A, which probably just reinforces my procrastinating behaviors--if I get an A with only a day's worth of shitty work, why try?--but overall I alone am responsible for my actions.

There's also some (read: a lot) of perfectionistic tendencies plus defense mechanisms influencing my behavior as well. If I get a bad grade on a paper that I actually tried on, then I'm much more hurt than if I didn't try at all. But it feels like my whole brain shuts down when I sit to type a paper that I know is not going to be good, right up to the "shitshitshit" point.

So What's Next

Fuck if I know. Seriously, though, I am using the GI Bill right now (for which I am eternally grateful), but it's being used on a degree I'm not entirely sure I can finish. I'm not even motivated to finish it, anymore, now that I really have a sense of what I'm actually capable of. It doesn't help knowing that it only covers 3 years of a 4 year program, so even if I got straight A's I would still have to wait until I could afford to go to school another year. So what's a girl to do?

Prostitution. 

Whaaaat? No, I'm just kidding--did you see your face?! Ha, in all seriousness, I still really don't know. I would just love to be able to write for a living: I could work from home, which would be good for my body; I could save money on gas; I could do what I love and get paid for it; and best of all, I wouldn't have to work in customer service. 

Yeah, I just talked at length about how I can't write papers for school and then immediately turned around to say that I'd love to do it for a living. And yes, I am aware of how stupid that sounds. Let's get things straight, if my boss came up to me today and said, "Hey, I'm going to need you to write a report on psychotropic drugs by Thursday," I'd be all over that shit. Because I'd be getting paid to do it, and (while I don't know why a craft store would need a report like that and I should probably look into reporting him for academic dishonesty) it would be relevant to my job. At least, relevant to keeping my job...

Anyway.

I am just not able to work for the long game, is what all this comes down to. I need to experience the immediate consequence for my work, otherwise it is really difficult to care. And I suppose that's not a totally terrible thing: if I get that one condition, I work my ass off. I will gladly sit there for four hours cleaning every speck of dust out of my work area if we are getting inspected. I will get really into re-organizing my office if it is to meet a specific, real-world goal. I will write page after page after page of stuff, if I am actually getting something out of it. And hell, that's how this blog started out--I really felt like I was getting something out of writing about Positive Psychology for a class I was in. I only changed it over to what it is today because I am no longer in that class and I was starting to feel like I was repeating myself.

So in short, god only knows what the hell I'm going to do once my GI Bill runs out (or I end up making enough money to quit early).